Boundaries, my identity and trauma

I wasn't allowed boundaries growing up. I had no control over what happened to me growing up. I had no choice but to follow what adults said. If I said no I didn't want to do xyz. I was told I had to do it, I had no choice, everyone else had to do it, I had to do it and should be able to do it, like everyone else. I disassociated a lot due to this. It was the only way I could cope with being pushed to do things I was not able to cope with. Note: I am not talking about abuse necessarily. I am talking about things I was forced to do which I was not comfortable with or ready for. Although I did experience verbal and emotional abuse growing up, which definitely factors into my ideas about boundaries. I have had a lifetime of being pushed to do things I am not ready for or comfortable with. It was soul destroying. I had no say and saying no meant nothing. I am naturally very strong willed and know myself so I knew my limits and I would make a big fuss about having to do something I did not like or wasn't comfortable with, but this was seen by adults in my life as defiant, naughty behaviour so I was told to shut up and behave, more or less. I often felt like I was screaming internally and no one noticed. It was so incredibly frustrating! It meant I had no boundaries and people walked all over me, doing, saying whatever they liked to me and I would smile sweetly and put up with it. It was horrible! I hated myself for it. I didn't even know I was allowed to have boundaries, to say no, to avoid interaction with a person who was mean to me. This meant I got into all sorts of painful, stressful, upsetting and difficult situations with other people and I had no way out of it. I didn't know how to stand up for myself. I was too worried about hurting the other person's feelings or offending them to make a stand and say No! 

I have had to learn boundaries as an adult. It has been very difficult and painful for me. I had some awful experiences with others where I ended up being treated horribly because I was too afraid to put up boundaries. I was too afraid because I didn't want to offend them or upset them, yet there they were happily hurting me without any care or empathy for what their terrible behaviour was putting me through.

I'm getting better at setting boundaries now. I used to think I had to put up with anything anyone did or said to me. I thought not putting up with it was being respectful of them but it wasn't. It was being disrespectful of my well being. They were being disrespectful to me.

I also thought I had to take on anything anyone said about me, good or bad. I believed what they said was truth. I didn't question it. It was really detrimental to my well being and mental health. I lost my sense of self on and off for a long time. I would cycle through being strong in my sense of self, then some rude, mean person would come along and say something horrible and I would believe it, spiral out of control into self-doubt, beat myself up and end up depressed, anxious and full of self hate because I believed this horrible person's crap. 

I am not like this anymore. It is a journey. I am unlearning all the toxic beliefs I have about boundaries. My interactions with others are usually healthier, happier and go a lot better. I am healing and growing into the person I am meant to be. I am much happier as a result. I do lean towards to the harsh end of boundaries as I need to keep myself safe while I am still vulnerable and learning to be strong within myself. The last thing I need is someone with a stronger personality trying to push me into things I am not ready for or interested in. 

Which leads me to another related issue I have trouble with.

I don't know my voice sometimes, and who I really am, my identity. My voice and identity gets lost and mixed up in the words, opinions and ideas of others. I need to spend time alone, thinking, creating, writing, processing life so I can separate what is me, and what is from others. Once I have had this alone time processing, I emerge as myself again, feeling a strong sense of self and ready to face the world.

 It's often difficult for me to find my voice and use it around other people. I struggle to find words to say, to know what is truly me and my opinion and what is not. When I am alone I have no trouble with my sense of self and opinions. Around others I feel wordless and powerless a lot of the time. It is difficult. I find being assertive difficult. It is a lot worse when I am depressed. I feel stuck then. I have since learnt this is a trauma response called fawn. I fawned a lot as a child to survive stressful and traumatic situations. It is what I do now as an adult in stressful situations. I am working on healing from this and getting stronger within myself.

It is an endless source of frustration for me. I know myself very well, and am very self-aware. Yet put me with a group of people and I lose myself, my identity. I am improving in my sense of self and making my identity stick when I am around others, but it is difficult. As I become more confident and heal from my trauma it will become easier, I hope.

I think it comes from years of having to forgo who I was and follow whatever an adult in charge said to do, say or be. This has conditioned me to have an auto response of defaulting to whatever others are doing/saying, when I am around them. I have learnt to work alone and do my own thing. I am happier having less involvement with others into my life and who I am anyway. I don't handle criticisms from others well. It is a trigger for my Complex PTSD.

Last year: Burnout

I have been thinking more about what was going on in my head last year and how I was in shut-down almost all of the time. I refer to this post here.

I remember reading about things others were sharing about their daily lives on Facebook or hear others plans in day to day conversation. I would feel anxious and overwhelmed just reading about it or hearing about it. I would then start comparing my life to theirs without even realizing. Then I would end up feeling useless and like a failure at living and managing my life.

My thought process was 'I don't even know how to do that (whatever it was). I don't know how to do anything more than what I'm currently,' doing which wasn't much. I felt like a failure as a result. I didn't even try after awhile as it was too upsetting and depressing.

My brain felt like it was in a fog of overwhelm almost constantly. I couldn't think clearly or figure out how to do things, even simple things. I'd look at 'how-to's' and think 'huh? How? I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to figure out how to do that and the steps involved to get there.' My executive function was terribly impaired.

I was hyper sensitive to everything and perceived everything to be either a threat or judgement. I had trouble with letting things go, over thinking or perseverating on whatever it was.

Due to the fact that I was already very overwhelmed by trying to manage the bare minimum of daily life when anything unexpected came up it rendered me inert, anxious, stressed and struggling to figure out to deal with it. My EF issues made it really difficult.

For example when we found that out that my son had nits I instantly felt exhausted by the fact that I knew I had to sort it out somehow and that it meant I needed to change my routine (only thing keeping me somewhat stable and able to keep going) and go out of my comfort zone, to get the things we needed to deal with it. I just wanted it to go away on it's own so I could go back to resting and not dealing with anything outside of my very small comfort zone. Change is hard for me when I'm at my best. It's almost impossible when I'm at my worst which was the case for most of last year. Somehow I managed to gather energy and adjust to the change and we dealt with it. I would not have been able to manage without my husband who ended up doing most of it. He bought the nit shampoo as I was not up to leaving the comfort and safety of my home. He bathed and shampooed my son. We did each other's hair. I did all the washing and changing of bedding and towels. That was what stressed me out the most, the fact that we had to change bedding mid-week which is not my normal routine. I did not know if I had the energy to run around changing all the bedding and washing it. I managed though, somehow. I usually do washing of bedding and towels on weekends when I feel more rested and Atrus is home to help out with things. It takes the pressure off and the change in pace from the busyness of the week helps.

The above is one example of how difficult any change and anything outside of my comfort zone was to deal with. I felt the same way each time something new and unexpected happened. The same process happened each time.

All I wanted to do was be left alone so I could rest and recover in peace. I viewed anything outside my comfort zone or anything unexpected that came up as invasive and unwelcome. I did not have the energy or brain space to deal with it. Even doing the bare minimum was very overwhelming for me and required a lot of energy for me to think about doing and then actually do. Which is called inertia.

Daily living was challenging enough. I barely cooked last year because of EF issues and not enough brain space to process how to do it. I remember looking at recipes and feeling overwhelmed. I couldn't figure out how to do all the little steps and often did not have the energy to do it. Cleaning was in the too hard basket most of the time. Thankfully I have a cleaner through respite who does the basics which really helped keep the mess from getting out of control. Atrus helped out a lot with cooking and cleaning too. I do not know what I would have done without either of them.

Another example I can think of regarding my executive function is a packet of glitter stars which I found in the bathroom cupboard tucked away at the back just recently. The packet was open and spilling glitter stars everywhere. I remember making a calm down glitter bottle more than a year ago for my son and I. I had no idea what to do with the glitter packets and how to stop the glitter going everywhere so I just left it at the back of the cupboard and forgot about it. It brought back memories of how bad things were for me and how incapable I was of doing the simplest of things. Now that I'm in a better frame I can easily figure out how to deal with it. I put it in a mini resealable bag and its sorted.

There are many painful reminders around the house of a similar nature where I have not known how to deal with it and just left it. I'm coping better so I'm starting to organise the chaos and set up systems to minimize chaos and clutter. It's going to take time because I've been in shut down for a number of years and everything has really gotten out of control. Step by step I will work on the clutter and organise it better.

I have been in this overwhelmed shut-down since my son was born, nearly 4 years ago.

I found (and still find) Facebook incredibly overwhelming and stressful a lot of the time. I tried to manage my usage and limit what I used it for. I didn't want to give it up completely as I would have had no contact with any of my online friends and even less support. I would have been even more isolated.

When I vented about how much I was struggling on my own profile, it ended up being even more overwhelming and stressful a lot of the time. Others would suggest things to try as a way of fixing whatever the issue was. That was unhelpful and unsupportive for me at the time. I understood that they were trying to help. It was not what I needed. It added to my level of overwhelm and anxiety. I was at a point of frustration at not being able to do whatever it was and was trying to explain why it was so hard. Most people didn't get it. What I needed to hear was 'I hear you. I'm sorry it's so hard. Sounds like you need a break and to do self-care.'

No one said that to me though. I did not have the brain space to process what else to do to help me rest and find my calm. I ended up stuck in this state, unable to figure out what to do. It was a vicious cycle of not wanting to feel completely isolated, reaching out on Facebook and sharing my struggles only to be even more overwhelmed by ALL the 'too much for me to process suggestions.' I ended up using up more energy trying to explain myself over and over to people who I didn't owe an explanation which further wore me out. I did not have the brain space to think to myself 'venting on Facebook isn't helping me for these reasons, perhaps it's better if I did xyz instead.' I did not know how to listen to my inner voice and work out how to do what was best for me. I was not in the frame of mind to think to do that. I did not have a therapist or someone with more life experience to advise me on how to cope and to help me get out of that stuck state by giving me small non-overwhelming steps for how to get out of that stuck state. I likely wouldn't have thought to say anything if I did have a counselor because I was too overwhelmed and in shut down to realise that venting on Facebook wasn't helping me.

Thinking back to that time it is clear to me that I had regressed a lot. I simply could not process anymore information. I had experienced too much stress and trauma the previous 3 years and was at my limit. It has taken several months of letting go of everything and resting to get to the place where I'm at now.

Towards the end of last year things slowly started improving for me. I started seeing a fantastic counselor, I got more respite support,  and I had a 9 day break at home from the rush of the normal routine (my husband and son went away to visit my in-laws for 10 days). The change in pace and time to rest, let go and not have to worry about keeping up with the day to day, really helped me to recover to a place where I felt a lot less overwhelmed. 

My husband had 3 weeks off over the end of the year which was also instrumental in my recovery. The change in pace, having him home full time and being able to do things at a pace which suited us hugely helped me to not feel so much pressure to keep up with everything and to rest. 

It has been a gradual improvement, over time.

Things have improved a lot for me recently. I can think of several reasons why. More support, therapy, validation, listening to my inner voice, managing my energy extremely carefully, taking medication and vitamin supplements, eating healthy as best I can manage, letting go of what is not important and draining of my energy, managing my thoughts, change in mindset, lots of rest,  relaxation, exercise and self-care.  I have started little doable creative projects to use to inspire myself when I'm feeling triggered, anxious or feeling my moods get out of control.

I'm learning to have fun again and really enjoy life. Something I almost forgot how to do for a long time. 

I am determined not to let myself end up in such a dark, hopeless place again. I have made it my top priority to manage my energy and rest when I feel myself getting worn out. I am working on pacing myself better and not taking on anymore than I can manage.

Further reading:

Help! I seem to be getting more autistic.

Autistic burnout by Judy Endow.

Energy, comfort zones and friendships

The importance of boundaries, managing my energy and pacing myself.

Managing my energy is of utmost importance for me. If I do too much, push myself, when something unexpected happens, that will send me into overwhelm and exhaustion. When that happens I find it much harder to manage everything in my life and struggle to mentally let things go so I can rest. I then feel stuck in anxious/stressed limbo about all the things that need doing that are building up (dishes, washing, cooking, etc) and find it difficult to rest to recover. This can very quickly become a vicious cycle in which I am almost always very overwhelmed and in shut down so am not able to think clearly or manage to keep on top of basic responsibilities. If one thing in my life gets out of balance then it's like a tidal wave of overwhelm is unleashed and I find it incredibly difficult to feel rested and able to get on top of everything again. 

I am aiming to work very hard to manage my energy this year and pace myself. I need to.

I am in the process of setting up a coping folder with prompts for when the overwhelm tidal wave hits to help me lessen the impact. I am aiming to have systems set up and organised so that when the overwhelm hits I am able to use my systems to help me get through it. I can do this. I have a much better support system this year and am in a better place mentally and emotionally. It is a work in progress. I am doing this with my disability support worker.

Extra activities and appointments outside of my comfort zone

I only have so much energy most of which goes on managing daily life and family responsibilities and appointments. Trying to fit in building friendships and building connections is very overwhelming, exhausting and stressful for me. I often don't have energy for it or I get caught up doing things to keep up with the day to day and forget. By the time I remember to try and fit in friendships I'm far too exhausted to get words out and articulate what I want to say or write so I don't bother. It's too much a lot of the time. I find navigating social situations very stressful and exhausting. I tend not to bother as I simply do not have the energy for it nor do I want to waste my energy worrying about it. I don't have the energy, in particular emotional energy to worry about if I'm saying/doing the right thing, or if I've offended someone and not realised (I tend to be fairly oblivious in social situations as I'm too overwhelmed and anxious just trying to keep my head above water socially to even notice or think about if anyone is offended) or if I've said too much or too little or asked any questions or whatever else. It takes a lot of emotional and mental energy for me to be social and to be in a place mentally and emotionally to be able to make friends. So I tend to avoid it as I have limited energy which goes to managing my issues, parenting, appointments, household, organization and cooking. Each of those tasks in and of themselves take a lot of energy and I am rarely if ever performing at my peak for each of them.

I have been going to choir for a couple of weeks this year and I went a couple of weeks last year. It was good for awhile but now it is taking it's toll on me.
I am considering quitting choir as it is taking a lot of energy to get myself organised and get there on time and prepare myself and a meal before 6pm. I have found that by that time of the day I fade quickly and have no capacity to engage in conversation to interact with others, let alone navigate all the social crap (as described above) as I'm too worn out and my brain is at a low level of function by then. I just go to choir, sing and try to figure out what my notes are and listen to others in my part sing so I can get my note (definitely do not have energy to fit in practicing at home) and then try very hard to keep my eyes open and my brain at some level of function so I can just process the notes and singing. Then I pay and go home. I don't chat to anyone or anything because I'm so exhausted and just want to get home and wind down then sleep.

I need to take my son to the dentist for the first time. He's nearly 4. I'm so anxious about it for a number of reasons. 

1. I know he will not cope with someone poking around in his mouth. He finds us brushing his teeth hard enough and will only tolerate it for so long. My own anxiety about him not co-operating and feeling out of control adds to his anxiety. 

2. I don't drive so the added stress of organizing transport and trying to fit in with someone else's times to get there, adds to my executive function and anxiety about organising it.

3. I have health anxiety so hearing what the dentist has to say (it's an unknown which makes me feel unsettled and anxious) is one more thing which overwhelms me. I have put taking my son to the dentist in the too hard basket for awhile because I have had a lot of other stress and trauma going on. 

Avoiding it but knowing it needs to be done adds to my anxiety. I am worried how I will manage my son's possible meltdown at the dentist on top of my already high anxiety about organizing it and going. I need to find an ASD friendly dentist if there is such a thing. I doubt there will be one within walking distance for me which adds to my stress. I don't know how to face it. I am working on a plan for how to approach it with my disability support worker, which has really helped take the stress out of it.

This is my thought process for most big things that I know need to be done outside of my comfort zone, I end up frozen with anxiety about it and unsure how to move forward.

The other reason I have not been able to face anything outside of my comfort zone is because I have come to realise that I only have enough energy to manage the day to day, even then I find it very overwhelming and tiring. Anything beyond that, such as appointments and whatever else needs doing outside of day to day living takes a lot of energy, more than I have, so I tend to avoid. If something comes up unexpectedly, and needs doing, that makes it harder to face and re-adjust my plans. Coping with change is difficult for me. I know if I pushed myself to go when I wasn't fully prepared and feeling like I had enough energy to do it then I would end up feeling very burnt out and would take who knows how long to recover. The thought of that scares me, having experienced a breakdown. I don't want to end up there again. I work very hard to manage my energy and manage the day to day.

So here I am able to function fairly well just with the day to day but add anything else which is not part of my normal routine and suddenly I am not able to manage so I avoid it and just focus on what I can do, not what I am not able to. Even though I know some of it needs doing which upsets me as I don't know how to fit it in and have energy for it and figure out how to approach it and have energy to do that. It's all very argggghh!

Friendships.

I find people very confusing and unpredictable which is stressful for me. I don't have energy for their unpredictable, confusing ways, their assumptions, their unsaid expectations and the unsaid social rules. It's too much. My brain can't process it or make sense of it so it basically I have a brain fart and don't worry about dealing with people if I can help it. It's all a big confusing mess which I would rather not stress or worry about. I have had too many painful and upsetting experiences with friendships not working out to feel safe enough to open up to many people.

Having written all that I do like socializing and connecting with people but on my terms and when I have the energy for it which isn't often and they have to accept me as I am and make an effort to understand me or it won't work out because I do not have the energy to deal with manipulative, passive aggressive, petty, judgmental and toxic people. Finding friends who are not like that is a challenge as I have to go through crappy people to find them and I am finding I do not have the energy to deal with being hurt by people. I need friends who accept me and understand me and don’t expect more than I can give. Not being able to drive and get to places adds to my stress about friendships because it is isolating and makes it harder to connect with others.

I am realising I do not have the energy to worry about if I am doing the right friend things and chatting enough, catching up enough, etc. It is really stressful, upsetting, confusing and draining. I will contact people and connect with people when I can and they are free to connect with me when they can. 



I am working on living my life in a way and at a pace which suits me. I am working on letting go of things I know I do not have energy for and learning how to manage and make plans for things that I know I do need to do.

I found these two blog posts really helpful to how I need to live my life in order to cope.

Learning to exhale by Briannon Lee.

In a bubble by Amy Bean

Boundaries and being autistic

I have struggled with boundaries my whole life, I thought I had to put up more than I could cope with and then ended up drained. It takes too much out of me and I am left emotionally drained, upset, perseverating, anxious, and triggered. It takes me time to regain my sense of calm and balance being a highly sensitive person. 

I find it difficult to know where to draw the line of caring and supporting a person and then having to withdraw to self-protect. I am erring on the side of potentially harsh to keep myself safe.

I have had friendships erupt over toxic drama. I feel sad that it ended badly but there is nothing I can do about it. I often do not know how to fix the broken friendship without me getting more hurt and upset, which I simply cannot afford to have happen.

I have toxic (extended) family members, thankfully not all of them and have had to limit my interactions as I find them very draining and oblivious to their issues.

I tend to feel sorry for people who are stuck, try to help them, then get caught up in their pattern of behaviour and end up their projecting/abuse target.

After several upsetting and abusive situations I have experienced online with other people, I have written myself some personal boundaries. These are for all interactions I have on-line and off-line. I simply do not have the emotional or mental energy to cope with abusive behaviour. I will put up boundaries and remove myself from the situation. 

I will not be helping or supporting people who are not somewhat self-aware, wanting to be more self-aware. Who do not own their issues and want to work on them. I will not be helping people who do not want help or advice the first time I offer it. I have no interest in getting sucked into other people's drama and toxicity. I've got enough of my own issues to work through, and own, of which I am very much aware (my limitations, issues). I'm happy to share my knowledge and story, what's worked for me (which may not work for others) and encourage others in their life journey. I am not interested in being around people who want to stay stuck in their misery.

I will not tolerate people expecting more from me than I can give and then getting abusive or passive aggressive about it when I put up my boundary.

I am working on setting stronger boundaries, sticking to them and focusing on living my life. People can interact with me on my own terms, or not at all. I don't have energy to cater to everyone.

I choose to keep myself safe by sticking to my boundaries.