Fear of living

For a long time I have had a fear of living my life. I have always had a lot of fears since I can remember as a very young child. These have changed as I got older. 

I experienced this feeling that I didn't deserve to have a happy, fulfilling life, I believed it was for everyone else. I don't know where I got this idea from. I have felt this way for most of my life, it got worse as I got older and noticed that most other people were very driven and all about appearing successful in life. I thought I had to do xyz before I could really live and be happy. I kept trying to be what I thought was successful, kept pushing myself, would get overwhelmed and worn out. I would beat myself up for not being able to manage as well as others seemed to. I withdrew a lot after I was married for a few reasons regarding how I was treated by some family members. I had my degree as was expected of me, I was married as was expected of me, then I thought now what? I didn't know how to live or what to do with myself. I had this feeling that I didn't deserve to really live or be happy so I hid myself away from the world because it was so overwhelming and difficult to navigate. I did not understand myself, I was not diagnosed, I had little self-awareness or understanding of myself. I felt isolated and disconnected. I had friends but it didn't seem real and I didn't believe they really liked me or that I had much to offer in friendships. I had very low confidence, self-esteem, hated myself, thought I was not intelligent and thought I was a failure at life. I knew I was different to most other people due to my difficulties but did not know why. I turned this onto myself. I believed I was defective. Nothing felt real, for a long time. I was very depressed and anxious. It was a horrible place to be.

My diagnosis was a relief and changed how I viewed myself. 

Due to all of this working against me until recently, I have not felt I have really enjoyed living or allowed myself to live and be happy until recently. I look back on my life, the person I was and feel sad for the lost opportunities, friendships, and happiness.

I look at my life now and cannot believe how different it is, how different I am, how much I have changed and grown. I do not see myself as I used to at all, as defective, broken, and a failure. I am working on accepting myself as I am and being at peace with the journey I am on. I made a decision recently to really live my life, to enjoy it, to make the most of life and not be afraid to live. It feels good. I feel so much happier than I have ever been. The fear of living and the feeling that I don't deserve to be happy creeps back from time to time but it does not have power over me like it used to. I am looking forward to making the most of my life, living my life in a way that suits me, instead of living in fear. 

Written communication and marriage

Atrus and I realised that written communication works best for us. We end up getting too stressed, and emotional when we try to deal with issues by talking verbally about them. It is easier for both of us to text or email each other and discuss it through written communication. Ironically, we worked this strategy out together whilst texting each other while Atrus was at work. Atrus told me via text that he prefers to communicate via written communication too. This takes the pressure of us to communicate verbally. I think working out our issues using written communication will help minimise how much stress and upset we have relationally.

I find it difficult to communicate verbally in stressful, upsetting and tense situations. I end up in shut down. Instead of responding how I need to and staying calm. I feel the intense pressure to communicate verbally, so I talk in a reactive way, whatever I'm thinking about comes out which is often rude, hurtful and very blunt. Which of course makes everything worse between Atrus and myself. Or I just end up crying unable to talk coherently. It's horrible for both of us. We end up reactive and in a vicious cycle of emotions and triggers. 

We have made a joint decision to text or email each other when we need to discuss things or when one of us has an issue about something. We will work it out that way. I think this will revolutionize our relationship. I'm feeling incredibly relieved that we worked this out together. It has taken so much pressure off me to not have to talk when I am not able to. I am very grateful that Atrus and I are similar in how we do things.

Sensory Deprivation

When I was in high school I came across a book in the library quite by accident. I borrowed this book, it was called 'Wise Highs' by Alex J. Packer. It changed my life. I remember looking through it and coming across a section on sensory deprivation. I was intensely drawn to the idea of sensory deprivation. I longed to try it out, but did not have a wardrobe big enough and I couldn't figure out how else to do it with privacy with the rest of my family around. I put it away in my mind to refer to when I had a chance to try it out. Fast forward a couple of years and I'm in my first year of University. I'd left home for the first time. I was struggling to cope with all the changes, struggling to adapt and manage on my own. I had recently moved out of an abusive boarding situation into a house with other women my own age. The room I rented had a big roomy wardrobe. I remembered reading about sensory deprivation from 'Wise Highs,' and decided to set up the wardrobe as a sensory deprivation space. I got excited because now I was finally able to try it out for myself. I set myself up in my wardrobe with pillows, blankets and ear plugs. I forgot the world exists. I let go of everything. I let my mind drift and dream. It was a relief to hear and see nothing. To escape from the busyness of the world. It was very peaceful and calm. I stayed in my sensory deprivation space for a decent amount of time. I can't remember exactly how long. I emerged feeling peaceful and ready to face the world again.

Since that first time of trying sensory deprivation, I have set myself up a sensory deprivation chamber using various wardrobes wherever I have lived. I craved it. I longed for it. Since my diagnosis of Autism and fully understanding of myself, using sensory deprivation makes so much sense. I instinctively knew what I needed before I understood (I knew I was different, I just had no idea why) my neurology and did what was best for me. It helped me cope and face the world again many times. I am so grateful that I accidentally found 'Wise Highs' in my high school library all those years ago. I have now bought myself a copy of the book as it has other great stress relieving ideas.

I forgot all about sensory deprivation and the book after I became a mother. My mind became scattered and I regressed. I experienced burnout.
I am slowly regaining my sense of self and embracing who I am. I am starting to cope better, I am remembering things I used to do before I became a mother. I remembered my 'Wise highs,' book. I did remember a couple of years ago that I used to do sensory deprivation but I didn't fully comprehend it and couldn't bring it to the fore front of my mind in order to actually do it. I was too burnt out and inert then.
This afternoon after a busy week I was feeling particularly overwhelmed and overstimulated. I was trying to talk, trying to figure out what to do next, and I just couldn't do or speak that easily or well. Words were hard to get out. My husband Atrus could see I was struggling. He suggested I go and have some down time. I went and listened to a guided relaxation exercise which helped me feel a bit calmer but I could still hear a lot of noises over the top of the recording. I was anxious and stressed. I tried deep and slow breathing to calm my racing heart. I could not slow it down. I finished the relaxation exercise only mildly calmer than I when began.

While I was listening to the guided relaxation, I suddenly remembered doing sensory deprivation and my Wise Highs book. Soon after I had finished listening to my relaxation exercise, I looked through the book case for the book. I found it easily, thankfully. I read the section on sensory deprivation. I decided that I needed to set myself up a sensory deprivation space in our walk-in wardrobe, which I proceeded to do. I used my ear plugs, sleep mask, blankets and a pillow. I lay down, focusing on slowing my breathing and racing heart. It was so calm and peaceful. It was a relief to be free of the majority of noise and light. I let go. I rested. I forgot about time, expectations and responsibilities. Soon my heart stopped racing and I felt calm. I emerged 30 minutes or so later, feeling much better and able to cope better for the rest of the day. I am going to continue to use sensory deprivation regularly to help me cope with life stresses and wind down.