Boundaries, my identity and trauma

I wasn't allowed boundaries growing up. I had no control over what happened to me growing up. I had no choice but to follow what adults said. If I said no I didn't want to do xyz. I was told I had to do it, I had no choice, everyone else had to do it, I had to do it and should be able to do it, like everyone else. I disassociated a lot due to this. It was the only way I could cope with being pushed to do things I was not able to cope with. Note: I am not talking about abuse necessarily. I am talking about things I was forced to do which I was not comfortable with or ready for. Although I did experience verbal and emotional abuse growing up, which definitely factors into my ideas about boundaries. I have had a lifetime of being pushed to do things I am not ready for or comfortable with. It was soul destroying. I had no say and saying no meant nothing. I am naturally very strong willed and know myself so I knew my limits and I would make a big fuss about having to do something I did not like or wasn't comfortable with, but this was seen by adults in my life as defiant, naughty behaviour so I was told to shut up and behave, more or less. I often felt like I was screaming internally and no one noticed. It was so incredibly frustrating! It meant I had no boundaries and people walked all over me, doing, saying whatever they liked to me and I would smile sweetly and put up with it. It was horrible! I hated myself for it. I didn't even know I was allowed to have boundaries, to say no, to avoid interaction with a person who was mean to me. This meant I got into all sorts of painful, stressful, upsetting and difficult situations with other people and I had no way out of it. I didn't know how to stand up for myself. I was too worried about hurting the other person's feelings or offending them to make a stand and say No! 

I have had to learn boundaries as an adult. It has been very difficult and painful for me. I had some awful experiences with others where I ended up being treated horribly because I was too afraid to put up boundaries. I was too afraid because I didn't want to offend them or upset them, yet there they were happily hurting me without any care or empathy for what their terrible behaviour was putting me through.

I'm getting better at setting boundaries now. I used to think I had to put up with anything anyone did or said to me. I thought not putting up with it was being respectful of them but it wasn't. It was being disrespectful of my well being. They were being disrespectful to me.

I also thought I had to take on anything anyone said about me, good or bad. I believed what they said was truth. I didn't question it. It was really detrimental to my well being and mental health. I lost my sense of self on and off for a long time. I would cycle through being strong in my sense of self, then some rude, mean person would come along and say something horrible and I would believe it, spiral out of control into self-doubt, beat myself up and end up depressed, anxious and full of self hate because I believed this horrible person's crap. 

I am not like this anymore. It is a journey. I am unlearning all the toxic beliefs I have about boundaries. My interactions with others are usually healthier, happier and go a lot better. I am healing and growing into the person I am meant to be. I am much happier as a result. I do lean towards to the harsh end of boundaries as I need to keep myself safe while I am still vulnerable and learning to be strong within myself. The last thing I need is someone with a stronger personality trying to push me into things I am not ready for or interested in. 

Which leads me to another related issue I have trouble with.

I don't know my voice sometimes, and who I really am, my identity. My voice and identity gets lost and mixed up in the words, opinions and ideas of others. I need to spend time alone, thinking, creating, writing, processing life so I can separate what is me, and what is from others. Once I have had this alone time processing, I emerge as myself again, feeling a strong sense of self and ready to face the world.

 It's often difficult for me to find my voice and use it around other people. I struggle to find words to say, to know what is truly me and my opinion and what is not. When I am alone I have no trouble with my sense of self and opinions. Around others I feel wordless and powerless a lot of the time. It is difficult. I find being assertive difficult. It is a lot worse when I am depressed. I feel stuck then. I have since learnt this is a trauma response called fawn. I fawned a lot as a child to survive stressful and traumatic situations. It is what I do now as an adult in stressful situations. I am working on healing from this and getting stronger within myself.

It is an endless source of frustration for me. I know myself very well, and am very self-aware. Yet put me with a group of people and I lose myself, my identity. I am improving in my sense of self and making my identity stick when I am around others, but it is difficult. As I become more confident and heal from my trauma it will become easier, I hope.

I think it comes from years of having to forgo who I was and follow whatever an adult in charge said to do, say or be. This has conditioned me to have an auto response of defaulting to whatever others are doing/saying, when I am around them. I have learnt to work alone and do my own thing. I am happier having less involvement with others into my life and who I am anyway. I don't handle criticisms from others well. It is a trigger for my Complex PTSD.

Trust

Learning to listen to trust my voice.

For the majority of my life I've been told I'm doing it wrong (it being any number of things) by lots of different people who think they know me better than I know myself. It's frustrating, exhausting and makes me constantly second guess and doubt myself. I grew up thinking I was wrong and defective- it was so detrimental and soul destroying. This is something I've been thinking about for awhile and remembering all the things I've been told I'm doing wrong throughout my life by different people. It is hurtful and upsetting. I get angry when I think about how many times I have been invalidated, undermined or told I am doing it wrong.

Throughout this year I've been slowly learning to listen to my own voice and trust my instinct with things and I've never been happier. It's a good feeling. I've also limited contact with professionals which has really helped. For once I haven't been told over and over that I'm doing it wrong. It's a relief. It is liberating. I finally feel at peace with myself, that I am doing the right thing. I am learning to trust myself, to feel confident in my decisions and life choices. 

Before diagnosis

I wrote this for an e-magazine (now defunct) a couple of years ago which is so it was never published. I finally got around to publishing it on my blog.

Before I realised I was Autistic. I was already doing things which helped me cope, these things helped me cope as an undiagnosed Autistic. I used written communication as much as I could instead of speaking verbally to people. I remember writing letters, emails and dot point statements to help me communicate myself articulately to people. My mind often went blank in situations of stress and anxiety. I knew I was much better at written communication, so I used it as a way of communicating with people. It was only once I was diagnosed that I was truly able to embrace my preference for written communication and got involved in the Autism community where written communication is the norm.

I remember being very socially avoidant especially if the social event was likely to be unpredictable and go longer than I could cope with. I limited how much socialising I did, to twice a week or so. This varied depending on my level of coping. I would be exhausted after the social event and have to recover. I remember feeling like the odd one out as a result and others saw me as anti-social and rude. I hated myself because I couldn't cope socially. This happened time and time again. I did enjoy socialising but reached a point where it was too much. I would get grumpy and easily irritated at the social outing. I did not know why. I felt like others saw me as rude and ungrateful for their company. I felt I drove people away as a result. It was upsetting. I liked socialising and enjoyed the energy I felt from others whilst I was socialising, at the same time I found the experience intense and overwhelming. I could feel all the tensions and energy in the room from all the people and this would become acutely painful after a time.

I distinctly remember sitting in my room (while I was at Uni) watching my mobile phone ring as one of my friends called me about going to her party. I had texted her to cancel my attendance as I was not up to going. I could not face talking to her as I knew I would be pressured to go to her party. I did not know how to explain myself or put up a boundary so I avoided dealing with it. I felt so much guilt for doing this, but I did not know what else to do. I believe this led to loss of friends which I found heartbreaking. I used avoidance to cope which I disliked doing. I did not know what else to do to cope. I know how to deal with it now due to understanding myself better.


Somehow I managed to do a full time BA/BTeach degree and manage socially but not without lots of insomnia, stress, anxiety, illness and tears/meltdowns. It was difficult, overwhelming and exhausting. I ended up having to drop the teaching side of my degree after two years. I didn’t cope with the full load. I completed the BA (Visual Communication). It was the art side of my degree which kept me going. Art was and is my passion. I find it very therapeutic. It took me a number of years to complete my teaching degree (part time long distance), but I did it. It was worth pursuing my degrees.

I learnt darkroom photography in high school, it opened up a whole new world. I was amazed and obsessed with photography. I loved watching the photo develop in the developer fluid, it was a visual stim for me. Such an amazing thing to watch. It never ceased to amaze me how a blank sheet of photo paper could produce such a beautiful image. I understood how it worked, of course but the sheer beauty of watching an image come to life had me hooked from then on! I spent as much time in the darkroom as I could. It was a beautiful, dark (low light) and quiet environment away from the business of the world. I remember many times stepping out of the darkroom back into the world and desperately wanting to go back. The world seemed so much brighter, noisier and more chaotic than I last remembered.

When I was in high school I came across a book in the library quite by accident. I borrowed this book, it was called 'Wise Highs' by Alex J. Packer. It changed my life. I remember looking through it and coming across a section on sensory deprivation. I was intensely drawn to the idea of sensory deprivation. I longed to try it out, but did not have a wardrobe big enough and I couldn't figure out how else to do it with privacy with the rest of my family around. I put it away in my mind to refer to when I had a chance to try it out. Fast forward a couple of years and I'm in my first year of University. I'd left home for the first time. I was struggling to cope with all the changes, struggling to adapt and manage on my own. I had recently moved out of an abusive boarding situation into a house with other women my own age. The room I rented had a big roomy wardrobe. I remembered reading about sensory deprivation from 'Wise Highs,' and decided to set up the wardrobe as a sensory deprivation space. I got excited because now I was finally able to try it out for myself. I set myself up in my wardrobe with pillows, blankets and ear plugs. I forgot the world exists. I let go of everything. I let my mind drift and dream. It was a relief to hear and see nothing. To escape from the busyness of the world. It was very peaceful and calm. I stayed in my sensory deprivation space for a decent amount of time. I can't remember exactly how long. I emerged feeling peaceful and ready to face the world again.

Since that first time of trying sensory deprivation, I have set myself up a sensory deprivation chamber using various wardrobes wherever I have lived. I craved it. I longed for it. Since my diagnosis of ASC and fully understanding of myself, using sensory deprivation makes so much sense. I instinctively knew what I needed before I understood (I knew I was different, I just had no idea why) my neurology and did what was best for me. It helped me cope and face the world again many times. I am so grateful that I accidentally found 'Wise Highs' in my high school library all those years ago. I have now bought myself a copy of the book as it has other great stress relieving ideas.

I remember experiencing meltdowns many times and having no clue why I did it or what it was. I found it so embarrassing when I lost control of my emotions so easily. I felt my difference to others intensified in those moments. I did not understand why it happened. I tried so hard to stop myself, to control it, but I always failed. I felt intensely raw and exposed whenever I lost control, but I always felt better after having released everything emotionally. I figured it must be good for me. I gave up controlling it after awhile and started embracing that I experienced the world in an intense, real way compared to others. I thought I was one of the few real people in the world as most people around me seemed fake. This was my explanation to myself which made the most sense. I felt intensely drawn to people who gave off a real vibe. They gave off a different vibe to others. Unfortunately, they often did not reciprocate. I felt like I was in a desert without real connections at times, at times there would be brief moments of intense, amazing connection with a person but it was rare. I thirsted for it and became obsessed with finding connection in others. I became obsessed with finding the perfect friendship. This unfortunately came across as desperate and clingy, so I would often end up feeling alone and unwanted.

I processed social events with my Mum before I met Atrus. She was very understanding and helpful. I remember her advice to me was to ask people lots of questions about themselves and their lives, as people like to share things about themselves. The idea was to keep people talking so I didn't have to talk as much.

I remember spending many hours talking with Atrus, my husband after a social event analysing and processing it together to help me understand where I went wrong and where I could improve. He would point out things I hadn't realised I had done and then I would get upset.

I spent a lot of time analysing social interaction and trying to understand why people what they did. I perseverated on it. I have experienced broken friendships, people have cut me out of their lives for no apparent reason. It was very hurtful and confusing for me. I felt strongly drawn to certain people. Now I accept and understand people are unpredictable and, it is not my issue. They chose to cut me out. It is their issue. It is a reflection on them. I don’t need people who treat people this way in my life. I choose to surround myself with people who understand and accept me.

When I socialised with others I either talked way too much (anxiety driven talking) or not at all. This depended on the amount of people I was interacting with at the time. One on one I talked a lot. In a big group I could not get the words to come out of my mouth no matter how much I wanted to say something. I have experienced this at different times in my life. Especially at school. School was tough. I was vulnerable to abuse because I was not able to speak up. It was isolating. If I am in a group of people I don't know well, e.g. a workshop. I will find it very difficult to speak and share my experiences. In school everyone thought I was shy because I didn't speak much but I wasn't shy. I just couldn't talk no matter how much I wanted to. I often had a lot to say but I couldn’t verbalise myself. I know now this as selective mutism. This has improved with age, confidence and maturity and understanding of how my brain works.

In Primary school, I cried easily over anything unexpected. I earnt the name 'cry baby'. I hated it. I had no control over my crying. It just spilled out of me uncontrollably whenever I felt overwhelmed and lost control of a situation. E.g. Playing tag with the other kids. I loved running away from the person who was 'it' but if I was tagged and became 'it' I would soon start crying because I couldn't catch anyone as I wasn't very fast. I took the game very seriously and personally, others would run away laughing and I would start to feel overwhelmed with emotions and start crying. I would feel left out and like I would never catch them and be 'it' forever so would just start crying (meltdown) instead. I soon got a reputation as a cry baby. Other kids were hesitant to let me play with them as a result. This further isolated me. I hated it. I wanted to belong but my big, intense emotions took over so start to cry. As I grew older I learnt to control my crying and hid it well. I don’t cry as easily now and wish I was able to.

I wasn't able to cope with driving, ever. It has always been mentally and emotionally exhausting for me. I would get highly anxious and confused whenever I attempted to drive in stressful situations. I have had driving lessons which helped me learn how to use the car but that didn't change my brain's response to too much stimuli and having to do many little actions with my body in a short amount of time. This means I can drive very well on a quiet country road with little traffic but I'm hopeless at driving when I try to drive in more stressful situations with lots of traffic.

I found the idea of full time work overwhelming and it filled me with anxiety. I knew I was intelligent and able to work but I didn't know how to work out how to fit a job into my life in a way I could cope with. I was very work avoidant. The part-time work I did do, I often found mindless and boring as soon as I learnt how to do it. I get bored easily. I have always wanted to work in something which engages me and where I never stop learning. I have no idea what type of work is for me yet. I am going to work out my career path. I found the social aspect of the work environment annoying and confusing. I was often left out of things as a result. This added to my anxiety and stress levels. It was partly for this reason I decided to become a Mother, because I did not know what else to do with myself. I felt I was useless to the world, that I had nothing to offer. I thought at least I would be able to be useful to one person, a child.

I became obsessed with getting pregnant. I was completely unprepared for how tough motherhood would be. I was naive and immature with a number of issues of my own. When I was not able to get pregnant easily I became even more obsessed and had meltdowns each month I did not get pregnant. I was so focused on getting pregnant, I did not think of anything else. I researched improving fertility and diet. I finally did get pregnant after a year of trying. Then I focused on researching birth and labour.

I researched and chose to have a homebirth. Which meant I had control over my labour environment and there were no strangers in my space. I remember feeling terrified and anxious at the thought of going to hospital and having to deal with strangers in my most vulnerable moments. I could not cope with the idea of going to hospital so researched intensely about homebirth and realised it was best for me and my child. I had two trained midwives present. Everything was fine for both my son and I.

The adjustment to motherhood was difficult and traumatic. Suddenly this tiny person needed me constantly, cried a lot, slept unpredictably and was messy. It was incredibly overwhelming and overstimulating. I did not know how to cope, somehow I survived those early years. I was highly anxious 95% of the time until my son was nearly 2. I was always on high alert. I could not relax, I did not allow myself to. I had no idea how to relax and wind down anyway. My son’s cries sent my anxiety sky high and there was no escaping his cries. I had to attend to him and calm him down whilst almost in a state of panic myself. It was extremely tough and overwhelming. I had no understanding of this within myself so was not able to communicate this with anyone. It was extremely lonely and isolating. I carried on in this high alert state for almost a year. The cracks started to show as I could not manage to keep myself together in such a high level of anxiety for so long. I was extremely irritable, stressed, anxious, depressed, suffered from insomnia and just could not cope with much. I was a mess. I went to see a therapist for PND. She did CBT with me and taught me about body relaxation. She was helpful but I realised after a time, I did not click with my therapist as well as I would like to. I felt she wasn’t really helping me either. She thought it was how I parented my son was the problem, which it was not. I knew instinctively it was something else and decided to stop seeing her. I saw another therapist. She wasn’t very helpful either. Her suggestion was to put my son in daycare to allow me time to myself, which in hindsight would have helped me but I was not open to the idea, yet. No one had taught me how to manage my stress and anxiety levels in a way which suited me. I, myself, did not realise what I needed, I just knew I needed some other type of support/help than what I had found thus far.

I was desperate. I was in such a bad place. I was not coping as a Mother at all. I was determined to find the right support. I knew there was something different about me as I have always felt different from others. I decided to read about Aspergers and females. My Mum had suspected I was on the spectrum for a while but I had been in denial about it for a few years. I finally accepted I might be on the Spectrum and read ‘Aspergirls’ by Rudy Simone. My life changed when I read her book. I no longer felt alone. My life made sense, finally!

I have many different stims I do, some are body stims, some are visual stims, some are motion stims, some are aural stims. I have been doing many of them my entire life. I learnt to hide my stims as I got older so when I first realised I was Autistic I had trouble trying to recognise if I stimmed at all. Now, I can see many things I do which are stims but are fairly hidden, most of the time. I am unlearning to hide them, to embrace them and do them when I need to.

I spent so much time analysing myself and wondering why I was so different. I worked so hard to improve myself and trying to be more aware of my limits so I could grow and improve myself. Yet I always fell short. I was so aware of the gap between myself and others. So aware of how much I struggled to do everyday things which seemed so effortless for others to do, yet difficult for me. I turned inwards on myself. Hating myself for how I was. Hating the fact I couldn't cope with things others could do. Hating the fact I always struggled to connect with people. I had very little confidence in myself and who I was. I was in a dark place. My diagnosis changed this. I began a journey of understanding, self awareness and self-acceptance. My diagnosis changed my life for the better.


I have been very open about my diagnosis with the people in my life, choosing to use my diagnosis as a way of helping others understand me. This often backfires unfortunately. People sometimes assume I'm using my diagnosis as an excuse for my supposedly bad and avoidant behaviour. What they don't realise is I was like this before my diagnosis. I'm diagnosed now and I finally understand myself. I have the knowledge to work out ways of helping myself to cope better and language to articulate myself to others. Self-acceptance has played a huge part in me being able to move forward as a whole, yet imperfect person.

The idea that I'm using my diagnosis as an excuse is irrelevant now. I realise just how much Autism coloured my life was prior to me even realising it.

I and other Autistic people need people to understand this. We don't need people assuming we are using our diagnosis as an excuse for our differences and behaviour. We need acceptance. We need understanding. We need support. The diagnosis and new understanding of oneself is an explanation, not an excuse.

I am aware some people may use Autism as an excuse for their behaviour but they don't need judgement. They need understanding. Perhaps they don't know how to cope better and need support for figuring out a better way. Perhaps they find change hard and overwhelming. Whatever the reason, telling an already vulnerable person who has likely spent years feeling alienated and different to stop using their diagnosis as an excuse is not supportive or empathetic at all.

When people tell me I am using Autism as an excuse or I need to try harder to overcome my disability, they don’t realise how ignorant they sound and how hard I have worked to become the person I am today and to cope as well as I do. It’s can be quite insulting and undermining to someone on their label acceptance journey but I believe a little understanding can go a long way.

Time blindness

I recently discovered a new term: time blindness. It perfectly describes my struggles with time management. My husband Atrus has similar struggles with time management too, we do compliment each other somewhat so it balances out a little.

I have time blindness. I lose track of time so easily. The pressure of adhering and following time causes me a lot of stress and anxiety. I really would prefer to live my life free of clocks, time and do things at my pace and when I can.

I have worked hard to figure out ways to cope with time blindness and am getting better at being on time. I realise I need a lot of time where I don't have anything scheduled or planned so I can cope with the times there is a lot more pressure on me. My anxiety is too severe and I get too worn out by having to constantly cope with outside pressures on me. I need uninterrupted down time to lose track of time as a rest period. I cope a lot better with time management when I have these times regularly.

I hugely struggle with time management. I have severe anxiety, asd, ADHD, depression and PTSD. I have always struggled to be on time, all my life. I have a love/hate relationship with time as it makes no sense to me to live by man made time rules. I find time confusing and stressful. I have no context of time when I don't have a clock or watch with me. I can't estimate how long things take. I do not wear a watch because having the time with me all the time causes me huge anxiety and I feel far too much pressure (too much pressure and performance anxiety means I fall apart with anxiety and crying if there is too much then nothing gets done and I have no more energy to get myself to whatever I'm trying to get to).

When I'm in the zone of getting ready, time ceases to exist as I'm so focused on getting ready and can get so easily distracted by things that need doing and I get obsessive about getting everything done before I leave the house. I hate leaving the kitchen in a mess (I'm getting better at letting the mess go and prioritizing being there on time). I have recently changed all our clocks to 10-15 min fast and then aim to leave 10-15 min before the time I need to be there on the 15 min fast clock which really means 30 mins earlier and I am finally having success in being on time to things. I have reminders on my phone for everything too, which helps. It's taken me till this year to mostly be on time. I don't work due to disability so that isn't an issue for me but I have been late to appointments or missed public transport because I under-estimated how long it would take me to get ready and how long it would take me to walk to wherever I need to (I don't drive due to anxiety). I'd arrive late, in tears and have a major anxiety attack in public (horrible and embarrassing experiences). I majorly struggle with executive function (dysfunction in my case) which is planning, organisation and making things happen. I am slowly improving with time management and being on time. It's important to me and I always feel like such a failure in life and a crappy person every time I'm late. I tend to beat myself up about it a lot and get depressed and anxious about it. But I'm trying so hard to find ways of being on time that work for me and being heaps kinder to myself about it when I am late (the lateness is happening a lot less). I'm learning.

I'm over 30 and a parent so it's been a life long learning curve for me to manage my time better.

Further reading:

Time blindness & ADHD

Cutting down on chronic lateness in adults with ADHD

On-line socialising

I have been musing about online socialising for quite awhile now. Mainstream society would have me not socialise online, they would have me out socialising in real life and getting worn out. I enjoy socialising in person with others but in small manageable doses. I need to manage my spoons/energy and keep my life in balance. I can only manage so much real-life socialising before I lose my balance in life.

Online socialising and women's Autism groups have really, really helped me grow as a person. I have learnt so much about myself and it has been a relief to know I am not the only one with similar struggles. Socialising in these groups has helped me to become more open-minded, understanding and empathetic of others' journeys. It has helped me to accept and embrace the diversity of the world, because even within the Autism community there is diversity because we ALL come from different backgrounds and upbringings. It is our unique neurology which binds us together, we are diverse in all other ways.

Prior to getting involved in autistic groups I was quite close-minded, rigid and immature. I was judgemental of others and why they did the things they did. I did not know how to treat others who were different to me. I have since learnt a lot about myself, others and how to treat others since socialising online. I now make an effort to try and understand why others do what they do and their journey of what led them to this point. I try so hard to be empathetic and understanding of others now and not judge. I still do judge, I am still close-minded at times, I still stereotype but I am far more aware of it in myself than I ever was. I question myself and learn from my mistakes. It was the online social interaction in ASD women's groups which really helped me to learn this. I learnt what to say or write by reading what others wrote in response to others experiencing tough times. I learnt other socially appropriate things to say and write too. Socialising online is a way of me scripting social situations so I am able to learn how to interact with others. I learnt how to treat people with respect and be caring, empathetic way. At the same time I was forming amazing friendships with other Autistic women.

I would never have been able to cope with meeting so many people from all over the world in real life. I would have been too overwhelmed, anxious and overstimulated. I would not have been able to hold a conversation. Online socialising is the way to go for me.

I remember when I first joined up to an Autistic women's group. I remember the hesitancy I felt about joining. I was so focused on the stigma, the stereotype about Autism that I was afraid of the journey. I remember spending months being unsure I was even Autistic. It was a difficult time but once I accepted my neurology I felt so much peace within. I got more involved in groups. It was amazing to realise there so many other women experienced similar struggles, joys, and understanding of the world.

I have so much more self-awareness now as a result and which will continue to grow.


I thank all the amazing people who I have socialised with online over the past few years. You have taught me so much more than I would ever learn socialising in person.


I thank them for their friendship, understanding and acceptance of my own journey

E - “I also feel that facebook has helped me to become less judgmental by exposing me to many different kinds of people from all over the world. It has also given me the opportunity to learn and practice social skills that I've never had the chance to practice in 'real life'. Some of those skills are now transferring into 'real life'. Being a co-admin of a small group has been the kind of experience I would never have had in real life.”


When I went to a self-care workshop recently. They were talking about how unhealthy it is to isolate yourself (I agree, to a point) and be stuck in a rut for ages. They were talking about how important it is to get out and socialise. It is important but I am not going to have energy (spoons) to socialise when I am depressed or really anxious. I have just come out of a major depressive episode and I could not easily connect with others, no matter how much I tried. Even online socialising was difficult for me. It was too hard to think of what to write or share in groups. I withdrew to heal. I would not have coped with forcing myself to socialise when I could barely get words out in written communication. I am tired of people telling me socialising online is bad. It is not. It has been the best thing for me and for many others I know online.


The self-care workshop was really good, helpful and informative but very NT and not very Autism friendly. There was a big emphasis on socialising and connecting with others to stop oneself from sinking into depression. When I get depressed I regress and can barely verbalise myself. Socialising is the last thing I want to do. I take other solo self-care steps to improve my mental health, such as exercise, reading, watching funny movies and spending time with my family.

I have experienced a few negative interactions online since I have gotten involved in the Autistic community, which is unfortunate but bound to happen. They were quite traumatic for me. I would perseverate on why it happened, what went wrong and how I could fix it. I was so hurt and confused. I spent hours crying over these bad experiences. The pain was intense. I did not get involved, I withdrew to protect myself. I ultimately wish everyone could get along but I have come to realise this will never happen. I will clash with some people, some won’t like me, this is just how it is. The negative experiences I've had have helped me to grow and become stronger in myself. It's helped me to understand boundaries and not be afraid to set them. It's helped me to stop worrying about offending others and doing what is best for me and my emotional health.


Online socialising has helped me to learn to take a step back from a situation and not take it personally. I try to evaluate what the other person might be going through, where they are coming from and try to have empathy for where they are coming from. By doing this I endeavour not to judge the person and their journey. If I am emotionally too close to the situation it is more difficult for me to take a step back and evaluate it rationally.

I don't usually take other peoples' behaviour personally either. I see it as a reflection on them and where they are at in their journey of life.

I remember writing an essay for University about on-line gaming and education. It was quite fascinating.

It completely changed my opinion about computer games. I believe this helped pave the way for my openness about on-line socialising. When I interact with others in person I try to use my social skills I have learnt through on-line socialising.

I have noticed there appears to be a stigma attached to on-line socialising. When I have told people about my experiences online (good and bad), they are quick to judge and tell me it’s not real, not to get so involved, to focus on reality. What they don’t realise is for the first time in my life, I feel I belong. I have found my people, my culture. While we may not all get on, there is still an overwhelming sense of belonging and acceptance.

These people do not realise for the for the first time I am able to learn social scripts in real time and at a pace which suits me.

As my one of my on-line friends M puts it so eloquently, ‘I like the solitude of body and communication of mind, so mostly social media is easy to use. If I need to, I can take a break and that’s okay.’

When I talk to others about my experiences on-line, I am often silenced, undermined and told it’s not real life. I have found this incredibly hurtful and insulting. I feel I am part of a different culture more so than ever when this happens. I try not to let it bother me anymore. I have found my version of normal and what works for me. It can be exhausting finding my own path, but it is very rewarding.

Quote from my essay (which I wrote for Uni in 2009).

A study was done on the game World of Warcraft, a massively multiplayer online role-

playing game (MMORPG), and the online community that supported and educated players in the playing of the game. The study showed that there are advantages to playing computer games, particularly online games where players from all over the world connect to play. Players form guilds with which they socialise, play, learn and support each other. The study found that the way players learned how to navigate the game could be used to improve student learning in the classroom (Nardie, Ly & Harris, 2007). In World of Warcraft players create a character with which to play, through this character players then “explore, fight, socialise, make money, take up professions, and advance through 60 levels of play. Playing the game is complicated, players need to develop strategy, find out numerous game facts and develop their character
through various ways. “Despite this, the manual that comes with the game is a slim 4x5 inch volume. No teacher, coaches or curriculum explain the game. None of the familiar supports of formal education are in evidence – but no one fails World of Warcraft” (Nardi, Ly & Harris, 2007).

Overall the advantages of computer games is they provide an alternate way of educating students, rather than using traditional methods. Games also can provide ideas for new ways of teaching. Some of the tag lines that games use are; “Create your own heroes, Engage… Challenging… Perform… lead… Don’t work alone” (Prensky, 2005). The games deliver these promises to players. This is not exactly a description of today’s classrooms.

Prensky believes what is lacking in education today is engagement in learning; computer games offer this. Students still have to go to school whether or not it is engaging and that is enraging them to push their teachers to do better by them (Prensky, 2005). “…Game cultures promote various types of information literacy, develop information seeking habits and production practices (like writing), and require good old fashioned research skills,” (Squire, 2005).

Whilst the quotes focus on on-line gaming in education. These quotes echo a similar dynamic which is portrayed through my experiences with on-line socialising.

References:


Prensky, M. (2002). The Motivation of Gameplay. On the Horizion, 10(1),


Nardi, B., Ly, S., & Harris, J. (2007). Learning conversations in World of Warcraft. University of California, Irvine: Author.

Squire, K & Steinkuehler, C. (2005). Meet the Gamers. Library Journal, 130, (7), 38-41.

I'm back from my hiatus.

Potential trigger warning for abuse and religion.

It has been 6 months since I last wrote in my blog. I have been going through a really difficult time the past 6 months. Lots of triggery crappy stuff happened. I had yet another professional treat me badly and try to bully me. It was a horrible and terrifying experience! My mental health issues got a lot worse and I had to go back on medication. I withdrew into my little cocoon and let go of a lot of things, including writing.  I was also falling into the comparison trap again, thinking I am not good enough because I am not doing all the things, then I started beating myself up about it and getting upset because I am not successful and able to live my dreams. It was upsetting and soul-destroying.  Everything got too much for me. So it was back to bare minimum mode in order to cope and survive. I did a lot of thinking, reading and learning in this time and I feel ready to do some writing again. 

Lots of past traumas came up in my hiatus from writing and I started to accept and realise that I have C-PTSD and need to do something about it to help myself. I am now in the process of being assessed for PTSD. It has been incredibly triggering for me to find the strength and courage to seek out yet another professional due to the horrific traumatic experiences I have been the victim of in the past due to abusive professionals. The abuse from a number of professionals has compounded my C-PTSD from my childhood and made it worse. It has taken me till a couple of months ago to come to terms with the C-PTSD, on some level I knew I have PTSD and have been doing reading about it for a couple of years, but it was only until a couple of months ago when everything was getting worse for me and so many things were triggering me that I started to really look into PTSD and start to process what PTSD meant for me. It was overwhelming as a lot of stuff came up as I started to really explore what PTSD meant for me. I chatted to a couple of friends about it online and discussed it in one of the fantastic autistic women's group I am. Talking about it with others really helped me start to accept and validate myself in terms of PTSD. I began to realise my struggles were much more than being Autistic. I worked up the courage to go and see a clinical psychologist who assesses for PTSD, it was triggering and difficult to do, but I did it. I am really glad I went to see this psychologist as they are really different to any other psychologist I have been to. They are very respectful, meet me where I am at and works with me. They appear to have no agenda either. It is a relief after all the crap I have been through with previous crappy and abusive professionals. I just had my second session with them and am due for another in 2 weeks time.

For so long I have beat myself up over a lot of traumatic stuff that has happened to me and blamed myself for it. In fact I recently realised that really struggle not to blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life or interactions with others. I realised I have been blamed a lot in my life when I was growing up, everything that went wrong in my family or with my siblings was pretty much seen as my fault, by my parents or siblings. I was the scape goat. My Mum recently told me about my Dad picking on me when I was growing up, he was much harder on me than my two younger siblings. I don't remember this, but it obviously affected me a lot. I am now dealing with the after-effects of past abuse and constant blame from others. My default reaction is to blame myself for everything when it goes wrong. I am working on trying not to blame myself so much and let go of things which are not my issue, but it is a real challenge for me. The blame on myself has led to me internalising a lot of crap from others which I didn't need to take on. I can see this has added to my anxiety in a severe debilitating way. I really struggle with interactions with other people now because I tend to pick up on the slightest vibe that something might be wrong and start trying to figure out what I have done wrong. I used to try and fix it but it often made things worse. I ended up being a doormat putting up with whatever abuse came my way from others and had no way of being able to say no or stop. It was terrifying because I felt trapped in those situations. Being raised a Christian I took the Bible verses about turning the other cheek, the Golden rule and heaping coals of fire on one's enemies head very literally. I thought I had to be super nice, caring, kind and mean people would leave me alone or it would somehow turn them nice towards me. What a load of utter crap! It never did, instead it left me an easy target open to any type of abuse, which was horrible and confusing because I kept trying to practice these verses with no success. It is now really hard for me to know when I have really done something wrong or if I am taking on someone else's issues which are not mine and making it into my issue, then trying to fix the problem in the relationship or friendship. This led to me struggling with boundaries. I never knew I could say no to things, I thought I had to accept everything others said or did without question and just go along with it because I never knew I had any say. It was only recently I learnt that I was able to say no and not feel bad about or blaming myself for saying no. I am improving with boundaries, in particular on-line. 

I have recently unfriended a few people from my past for being rude and disrespecting of my boundaries. It was very difficult for me to do and the experiences were very triggering, but I did it and I feel so much better and safer on my profile. I am really proud of myself for setting boundaries and sticking to them. I realised that being able to set boundaries and practice being assertive on-line in written form is a lot easier for me to begin with as it is easier for me to process what is happening in real time. I struggle to process verbal input which means it takes me longer to process it and figure out what is really being said. I can so easily be taken advantage of in real life verbal social interactions. When I am on-line I have the safety of being in my own home and can so easily walk away from my computer or phone and do something else, leaving the difficult triggering situation to fester away on it's own allowing me the time I need to process how I feel about it, figure out what my boundaries are and what I need to write in response. I do not get this option when I am interacting with people face to face verbally. The pressure to respond and keep the flow of conversation going becomes too much in those situations and I am unable to allow myself the time I need to process and respond as I need to. I can so easily end up trapped in a situation I do not want to be in, unable to get the words out that I need to in order to put up boundaries and get away. Those situations are terrifying for me. I am hugely grateful for on-line socialising as it helps me learn about boundaries and practice being assertive in a way and at a pace which suits me. 

[Image is on a dark purple background with a rainbow winged cicada in the right hand corner with the words 'Resplendently Autistic' underneath it.

It has the text 'I have realised I need to be harsh about what I tolerate in my life and remove myself from toxic, triggering people/situations because the detriment to my mental health is not worth it. The old me would have felt tremendous guilt about doing this, worrying about hurting the other person's feelings, but now I feel relief because I have the power to walk away and liberate myself from toxicity and triggering situations. It is a relief!

~ Kezza.' on it.

From the page: https://www.facebook.com/resplendentlyautistic ]

I have realised I need to be harsh about what I tolerate in my life and remove myself from toxic, triggering people/situations because the detriment to my mental health is not worth it. The old me would have felt tremendous guilt about doing this, worrying about hurting the other person's feelings, but now I feel relief because I have the power to walk away and liberate myself from toxicity and triggering situations. It is a relief! I no longer take on other people's crap and try to fix it, in the first moment I do because it is my default reaction, but when I think about it and analyse what I think/feel about it, I get angry or  feel hurt by yet another abusive triggering situation and need to keep myself safe by putting up boundaries. It is in that moment that I know I can walk away.

Fear of living

For a long time I have had a fear of living my life. I have always had a lot of fears since I can remember as a very young child. These have changed as I got older. 

I experienced this feeling that I didn't deserve to have a happy, fulfilling life, I believed it was for everyone else. I don't know where I got this idea from. I have felt this way for most of my life, it got worse as I got older and noticed that most other people were very driven and all about appearing successful in life. I thought I had to do xyz before I could really live and be happy. I kept trying to be what I thought was successful, kept pushing myself, would get overwhelmed and worn out. I would beat myself up for not being able to manage as well as others seemed to. I withdrew a lot after I was married for a few reasons regarding how I was treated by some family members. I had my degree as was expected of me, I was married as was expected of me, then I thought now what? I didn't know how to live or what to do with myself. I had this feeling that I didn't deserve to really live or be happy so I hid myself away from the world because it was so overwhelming and difficult to navigate. I did not understand myself, I was not diagnosed, I had little self-awareness or understanding of myself. I felt isolated and disconnected. I had friends but it didn't seem real and I didn't believe they really liked me or that I had much to offer in friendships. I had very low confidence, self-esteem, hated myself, thought I was not intelligent and thought I was a failure at life. I knew I was different to most other people due to my difficulties but did not know why. I turned this onto myself. I believed I was defective. Nothing felt real, for a long time. I was very depressed and anxious. It was a horrible place to be.

My diagnosis was a relief and changed how I viewed myself. 

Due to all of this working against me until recently, I have not felt I have really enjoyed living or allowed myself to live and be happy until recently. I look back on my life, the person I was and feel sad for the lost opportunities, friendships, and happiness.

I look at my life now and cannot believe how different it is, how different I am, how much I have changed and grown. I do not see myself as I used to at all, as defective, broken, and a failure. I am working on accepting myself as I am and being at peace with the journey I am on. I made a decision recently to really live my life, to enjoy it, to make the most of life and not be afraid to live. It feels good. I feel so much happier than I have ever been. The fear of living and the feeling that I don't deserve to be happy creeps back from time to time but it does not have power over me like it used to. I am looking forward to making the most of my life, living my life in a way that suits me, instead of living in fear. 

Writing process

My writing process.

I think of an idea. Inspiration comes to me in all sorts of places and situations. I start writing notes and thoughts about the idea. Ideas come swift and quickly. It can be overwhelming as I find it difficult to write fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. I have an intense need to write and get all my of ideas out in words to refer to later when I am at the idea phase. I usually type one handed on my phone to write all my ideas out, it is what I find easiest to do, especially if I am in the midst of other stuff I am trying to deal as well. It helps to have a portable way to record my ideas. I find it easier than physical writing with pen and paper. I forget to carry pen and paper around with me. It can be tiresome typying one handed though. I have written almost entire blog posts one handed on my phone because I was in not in a place to use my computer. I hate interruptions when I am at this phase of my writing as interruptions throw me off my momentum of thoughts and I lose ideas to add to my writing. It is frustrating, but that is my life as a Mother. I do my best despite my life situation.

Once I start writing about my idea, it always turns into a far more complex piece of writing than I anticipated. Ideas and connections come in layers and layers of thoughts. It is difficult for me to keep my writing succinct and to the point as I can see so many connections and ideas that work with my original idea in my mind. I need to give myself time to process my idea and think of ideas and memories that will add to my writing idea. I find I think of a lot of ideas as I go about my daily routine and I will add sentences and notes on my phone as I am doing housework or parenting. This means my original inspiration and motivation to write is lost once I have gotten back into the daily routine of life. It is hard to find that momentum for my original idea again after a few weeks. I am trying really hard to stick to my writing, am working on completing all my draft posts. Instead of writing new blog posts and never finishing them (except this one). I have 14 draft posts to date. I have printed my draft posts out to read over, proofread, edit and add more ideas/sentences. They are all in a folder which I work on when I can. I find myself getting stuck on words and finding the flow of my writing again. I find myself getting triggered, upset and anxious over what I am writing about, which wears me out and makes it difficult to keep writing. I find I can only write in short inspirational bursts, and then make time to complete writing what I started over time. If I don't get time to work on my blog posts I get frustrated because I don't think I am writing enough (blog post to come about this topic). I am trying to be kinder to myself and write in a way which best for me and not worry if I am writing enough. In time there will be more blog posts to read of all the ideas I am working on. Stay tuned, more to come. 

Written communication and marriage

Atrus and I realised that written communication works best for us. We end up getting too stressed, and emotional when we try to deal with issues by talking verbally about them. It is easier for both of us to text or email each other and discuss it through written communication. Ironically, we worked this strategy out together whilst texting each other while Atrus was at work. Atrus told me via text that he prefers to communicate via written communication too. This takes the pressure of us to communicate verbally. I think working out our issues using written communication will help minimise how much stress and upset we have relationally.

I find it difficult to communicate verbally in stressful, upsetting and tense situations. I end up in shut down. Instead of responding how I need to and staying calm. I feel the intense pressure to communicate verbally, so I talk in a reactive way, whatever I'm thinking about comes out which is often rude, hurtful and very blunt. Which of course makes everything worse between Atrus and myself. Or I just end up crying unable to talk coherently. It's horrible for both of us. We end up reactive and in a vicious cycle of emotions and triggers. 

We have made a joint decision to text or email each other when we need to discuss things or when one of us has an issue about something. We will work it out that way. I think this will revolutionize our relationship. I'm feeling incredibly relieved that we worked this out together. It has taken so much pressure off me to not have to talk when I am not able to. I am very grateful that Atrus and I are similar in how we do things.

Written Communication: why talking is diffcult for me

Written Communication: why talking is difficult for me

Written communication is my forte. It is how I communicate best. I realised this awhile ago after realising how difficult it is for me to speak in high stress or tense social situations. I have always prepared notes to refer to during a phone call, Doctor's appointments, interviews, and whatever else I need notes for. If there is an option to email a business or person I email them, rather than phone. Writing is far easier for me. I have time to form my ideas into words and articulate my words how I need to in a sentence. It can be chaos at my place, but at least my email will be well written and I will have clearly communicated what I need to whomever it is I am emailing. 

Every time I am in a situation where I have to interact verbally with people I can easily become stressed, flustered and find expressing myself verbally, difficult. It is worse with people I don't know well or at all. The more comfortable I am around a person, the easier it is for me to communicate verbally. I can very easily shut-down and not talk at all in social situations. When I am in a group of people I will barely speak. I am seen as shy, I am not shy though. I have trouble speaking and keeping up with the pace of group conversation. This is a form of selective mutism. If a situation is tense, stressful there is no way I am able to express myself verbally as I need to. My thoughts become jumbled. I feel frozen with anxiety. I struggle to breathe, let alone talk. It is so much easier for me to leave the tense situation and calm down. Then spend time processing my emotions, thoughts, then writing about it. It is how I have managed many times in the past when things got tense between myself and others. It did not always work out for the best, but it took the pressure off of me to perform socially and talk verbally. 

In a world where talking is the preferred form of communication, it is difficult for me to feel heard and to make myself heard. Writing can be powerful, but people have to read it and take notice of it. An email or piece of paper cannot yell to get attention on it's own. An email or letter can easily be ignored, thrown away or lost. This makes it very frustrating for me because writing is how I communicate best. I feel most at ease when I am able to put all my thoughts into written word. I control what I express, how and when. I don't have to be there to see the person's reaction, which adds to my stress in real-time verbal communication.

It takes me a lot of mental energy to form my thoughts into words and talk verbally. I get worn out easily. If I am not listened to, understood or respected when I am trying to communicate verbally, I shut-down. I feel deflated and worn out so give up trying to communicate verbally. I don't have the energy to try again.

The more overwhelmed, tired, overstimulated, stressed, upset, anxious or triggered I am, the harder it is for me to talk. It can be one, all or a combination of these which send me into shut-down.

When I am talking a lot, it is because I am either nervous in a social situation, unsure of what to say or I am trying to explain myself to someone or talking about something interest to me. Then I am focused on talking about my interest/passion to whomever is listening. I forget I am in a social situation because I am so passionate about whatever topic I am talking about. 

I am trying to talk less and take the pressure off myself to talk. To communicate through writing where possible or give myself time to think about what I really need to say, then say it once I feel more clear headed and have the energy to do so. It is difficult to do this when in conversation with someone as the other person is expecting a response within a certain time frame. I feel anxious about responding fast enough, so I say whatever I think of, which is relevant to the conversation. Later I feel frustrated that I did not say exactly what I needed to. It is difficult to articulate myself verbally in real time conversation due to how quickly the topic changes in conversation. I find it distracting from my train of thought from the previous topic which I am still trying to figure out how to say in words, to add to the conversation. Then the topic changes and I am distracted by that topic. I start thinking about what I can add relevant to the new topic and the whole process starts again. 

e.g. I will be thinking about I am going to say relevant to the current topic and translating my thoughts into words to say. The other person will say something which disrupts my translating thought process. I will process what they said, leaving my thought translating process waiting, attempt to respond with a default easy to say response relevant to the conversation. While they are talking I will continue to translating my thoughts relevant to the topic while listening as best as possible, trying to process what they are saying. If the pace of conversation is slow then I will be able to say what I need to. If the topic changes, the new topic distracts me from my current translating thought process and I will start thinking about what I have in my experience that is relevant to the new topic and the process starts again. This means I never really say what I really want to and instead use default surface communication. I feel really isolated a lot of the time due to this. It is frustrating.

I am trying to pace my talking so I don't talk reactively and just surface talk. It is very difficult for me not to talk reactively when I am trying to keep up with the pace of conversation, translate my thoughts into words, and explain myself as well as I need to, to others. 

In a group setting I do the same translating thought process as described above, but due to the amount of people, pace of conversation, numerous voices and topics which come up I end up too distracted and overstimulated to talk so I say nothing, usually. It is too difficult for me to talk, despite desperately wanting to say something and having something to say, I can't say it. Then I feel even more isolated and misunderstood. Groups are very difficult for me. Each topic that is discussed I will start thinking about the topic to figure out if I have any relevant to say, by the time I have thought of something relevant, translated it into words, the discussion has moved onto another topic and the whole process starts again. I say nothing, appearing shy, while my mind is so busy thinking and translating what I hope to say. I give up trying to talk after while as it takes too much energy to talk. I don't do group settings any more if I can help it, which has taken the pressure off me. I prefer one on one as it is less overstimulating and distracting.

Sometimes I don't talk in social interactions because I don't know what to say or ask the other person to break the ice and start interacting. I get more and more anxious as time goes on the longer I want to say something but can't. I now know this as selective mutism. I experienced this a lot as a child and teenager, particularly at school and church. My selective mutism improved as I have grown in confidence in myself. I will be writing a blog post about my experiences with selective mutism sometime in the future.

I feel out of my element when I talk, a lot of the time. I need to have scripts for talking. If I am put on the spot unprepared with a question or regarding a topic I know nothing about. I will feel anxious, stressed and awkward. I will attempt to respond but I will not respond very well. I will stutter and stumble over my words awkwardly as I try to think about what to respond with and translate that into words. I stumble through it and manage to get some words out, usually. Sometimes I shut-down and words will not come out at all, no matter how much I want them to. It is an awful feeling. I feel so embarrassed. Afterwards I will feel I failed socially and that others perceive me as unintelligent which is untrue. I have noticed that people tend not to give me a chance or opportunity to explain myself due to how I present socially or when I struggle with words. It is upsetting. I feel cut off and disconnected from people as a result. It hurts. It is difficult to connect with people due to my difficulties with talking. I want to connect with people but in a way and at a pace which suits me. Online FB groups have really helped me as to connect with like-minded people and to socialise. I prefer to socialise using written communication. I thrive in this setting. I am in the process of writing a blog post about on-line socialising. 

While talking verbally I notice my many thoughts relevant to the conversation coming up but because of the pace of the conversation I am not able to express myself as fully as I need or want to.

I find the pace of conversation difficult to keep up with, by the time I have figured out what I need to say in words and how to say it, the moment has passed, so I don't say it. Trying to keep up with the pace of verbal conversation is stressful and exhausting for me. I find processing what the other person is say, trying to think of what I need to say and keeping up with the pace of conversation very stressful. It takes a lot of mental energy for me to interact with someone I don't know well and articulate myself verbally as I need to. If I am not prepared for it, then I will not communicate as efficiently as I need to. Afterwards when I am alone and processing the social interaction I remember what I needed to say to the other person. I will feel very frustrated because I know I needed to say whatever it was but the opportunity was lost due to not being about to get my words out verbally in time. When I write to communicate my needs this does not happen because I have plenty of time to think of what I need to write before sending it to the person. I do not miss out anything I need to communicate to others when I write it down.

I have default phrases and ways I communicate verbally and can manage fairly well in most social interactions as needed. I manage to pass socially when I need to but the toll it takes on me is exhausting. I can only manage so much verbal interaction with others, than I am done for the day.
When I am nervous and anxious in social situations I tend to talk a lot more. If there is an awkward silence in a conversation I will start talking and will end up rambling about whatever I am thinking about in my on the surface thinking that is translated and easy to speak. I think it is because I am not in a situation where I can write to communicate, that and the pressure to keep up with the pace of verbal conversations is overwhelming, so I talk, usually too much. After wards I worry I shared too much, monopolised the conversation and was oblivious to the other person's body language. Now that I am older and aware of this anxiety induced talking I try to curb my need to talk by distracting myself somehow or I ask the other person questions so I don't have to talk as much.

I find it difficult to be assertive in stressful situations. In particular with a person I don't know well or am not comfortable with. I avoid confrontations and arguments, if possible. I don't have the energy for it. I have tried to be assertive in the past, ended up not being heard or taken seriously, triggered and in shut-down. I realise I do not have the energy to engage with a person, I only have enough energy to be assertive once, then what? I don't know how the other person will react, it's an unknown and I am unprepared. I don't want to end up selectively mute and paralysed to the spot due to trying to stand up for myself once, then not knowing how to respond to the person's response and behaviour. It is not worth wasting my time and energy only to end up triggered and in shut-down. People shouting at me and acting aggressively is a trigger for me, due to how I was treated by my Dad. I prefer to use written communication for confrontational and tense situations, it is so much easier for me to communicate this way and more effective too. 

I talk a lot when I am at home, I have come to realise that it is more for me to process my thoughts, feelings and ideas verbally. Atrus gets tired of me talking, repeating myself over and over about whatever it is I am processing and perseverating about. I have noticed this happens when I am not able to have time to sit down and write about whatever is bothering me. When I have time to write and express what I need to, I talk a lot less. Talking about whatever is bothering me is usually not enough for me to feel better about it. Atrus and I have since both agreed to use written communication more in our relationship. Once I have written about whatever is bothering me, I feel I have been relieved of whatever was building up inside me and I have space in my brain to think of other things that need dealing with. I need regular time to write to manage my emotions, thoughts and life. It makes a lot of sense actually, as I kept a diary from age 14 to 21, which really helped me cope the turbulent teenage years. I often had no one to talk to, so I wrote in my diary and always felt so much better after writing about whatever was going on for me. I felt renewed after writing. I wrote a lot of poems in my childhood and teenage years. I loved playing with words, creating interesting word pictures and expressing myself through short, succinct poetry. I liked to control how many words I used to express myself in a creative, unusual and succinct way. I was in my head a lot as a child and teenager. I still am, when I can. Being married and a parent, means I have to talk more, be present more and not always thinking, thinking, thinking, and processing, then creating, writing and expressing.

Writing is how I process my life experiences and emotions. It grounds me. I am able to let go of things easier, heal and move forward once I write about painful experiences.

Once I have written down and fully processed whatever experience I am writing about I am able to verbally talk about it much easier. My writing becomes a script for being able to express and explain myself. If I don't write about my experiences, particularly painful experiences, they float around in my head as pictures and concepts, I am not able to talk about whatever it is in verbal words. Sometimes too many painful and stressful events happen close together. I will shutdown for months afterwards. Locked in myself and unable to get the words out. I'll be able to do surface, default scripting for verbal talking, enough to get by and pass socially (just) but I will not be able to talk about what is really going on in the depth of my thoughts. It is really isolating. I will feel blocked up, stuck in that period of time until I finally have the energy to translate all my thoughts into written word. Then I can talk about it verbally, at length, if I need to.

Since becoming a parent I don't get the time I need to process my life through writing. This means stresses, emotions, anxiety build up quickly and overwhelm me. It is exhausting living my life with a head full of unprocessed & untranslated thoughts with no time to process and purge them through writing. I try to schedule in time to write when I need to.

There are no words for how much I love expressing myself through writing. It is relieving, calming and it makes me happy. When I talk I feel like I am talking from the surface of my thoughts, that my verbal words are the tip of my thought ice-berg. There are layers of thoughts in my mind and I long to express them in conversation. I often don't say what I really need to or want to because the words have not yet formed in my thoughts. The concepts, the ideas are there in my mind. I know exactly what I need to say, but it is not translated into words I can communicate to others in words they understand. It takes me time to process these thoughts into words, into a language which is different to that of my thoughts. Talking is a frustrating form of communication because I often cannot say all that I need to in verbal language, particularly in conversation.

I write to-do lists to remind myself of what I need to do for the day, week, month. Everything is visual and written down. I write a daily to-do list each night before I go to bed. Which means I don't have to think when I wake up. I wake up, refer to my list and start the day. I love ticking things off my list. It is a good feeling. I have a parking book where I write lists each week of things I need to do when I am able to so I don't forget. I tick those off when I have completed them. I don't give myself deadlines for those items to get done. My parking book is a place for me to write all the numerous things to-do filling up my head that I worry I will forget. If I don't write these things to-do that are filling up my head, down. I get more stressed because I am worried I will forget them and then I have less space in my brain to deal with real time unexpected events. Once I write these things to-do in my book, I have more space in my brain to focus on what needs doing in the present. I have three monthly calendars, one in the kitchen, one next to the phone and one in my room where I write my up-coming events in them. That way I can see how busy each week is going to be in the three places I am most likely to see them and I can post-pone appointments if I need to or not schedule anything else for that week if I already have enough planned. It makes planning so much easier. I used to muddle through my days, weeks and months appointments with no idea how busy my week looked overall. I had daily reminders set up on my phone so I knew what was happening that day. I had many times where I had too many things planned for the week or month because I could not imagine how busy it really was. Having monthly calenders to refer to visually has really helped prevent this as I can see a week or month in advance. 

Writing is my life force. It is my breath. When I don't write I feel I am living my life holding my breath, thoughts and pressure build up in my brain and body. Without time spent writing I would be lost and struggling to communicate as I need to. Talking is over-rated anyway.


A poem from my teenage years written when I was about 16-17.

Escaped Words

In my head
Is not lead
But sentences and words
Always trying to escape
From the depths
Of my soul

Up they come
Out they rush
A lot here
A little there
Finally making sense

Read aloud
They’re like
Little cloudbursts
In the rain
I always gain
The confidence
I need to
Write again

K. R., 2000


Relevant Blog posts from other autistic adults

Autistic Speaking

The one where I talk about why talking is hard

Echolia and scripting: straddling the border of functional language

Non-Speaking (at Times) Autistic Provides Insight Into Communication Differences, Part I
Non-speaking (at times) Autistic provides insight into communication differences, part II

Over-explaining

This will be hopefully be a short blog post as I have an obsessive need to over-explain my reasoning for everything in my life. I write that now, in the hopes that I can curb my obsessive need to explain my need to over-explain for the purpose of this blog post.

Everything I do, think and feel has a reason and explanation. I am sure this is the case for everyone though. I am constantly analysing and over-analysing myself, my thoughts, feelings and behaviours trying to understand myself better, improve ways I do things and improve my character. I am always trying to see myself as I truly am and find my blind spots so I am aware of it. I find constructive criticism (in small doses when I am prepared for it) a welcome and helpful aspect of learning about myself. I am obsessed with understanding myself and seeing myself as I truly am, not how I like to think of myself. My obsession with understanding myself has helped me to work through a lot of issues quickly. In other cases it causes misunderstandings, arguments and upsets as I always feel a need to explain why I do, act or react the way I do. I go over the top with my explaining. I over-explain in minute detail my reasons why.

Any hint of not being heard or misunderstood by another and I will unleash a perversating torrent of reasons explaining my behaviour on the other person. I find it hard to stop doing this until I am satisfied that I am fully understood and heard by the other person. Meanwhile the other person must find it intense, confronting and overwhelming. I get the feeling that my need to explain every aspect and reason why for whatever it is is a turn off and isolates me from people. I find this upsetting as I want to connect with people. It is really difficult for me not to respond and over-explain myself when I am feeling triggered.

My need to over-explain comes from years of being misunderstood, not being able to explain myself due to not having the language, self-awareness or knowledge of what was going on for me, and not feeling heard. It is my biggest trigger.

Being invalidated, not listened to or misunderstood is a major trigger for me. After years of constantly being misunderstood, invalidated and not having the language to express myself as a child and teenager. I am now super sensitive to any hint of feeling this way. I get anxious, upset and feel like my world is being turned upside down. It is really difficult for me not to react when I am triggered by not feeling heard, understood or validated.

Atrus gets the worst of it as I know him best and feel most comfortable around him. It is easiest for me to talk to him about whatever is bothering me. He gets really tired of me over-explaining myself and repeating myself constantly. It can and has become a vicious cycle between us. He tells me he understood it the first time. Once I get started in my perseverating over-explaining torrent it is difficult to stop. We both end up feeling frustrated and angry because my need to over-explain is going nowhere. Thankfully Atrus is very understanding of me. I have over-explained to him my need to over-explain my reasoning so he gets it. I am trying to curb my need to over-explain everything. It is very difficult.

I have over-explained in other situations with people I don't know as well and it hasn't ended well. I end up too worn out, upset and anxious to keep explaining myself. e.g. During my 7 week Facebook break last year  I sought out a psychologist and had a couple of sessions with her. The first one was ok. The second one was horrible and upsetting. My need to over-explain things lead to it not working out with this psychologist. She did not understand me which led to me perseverating verbally, with her analyzing everything I said to mean something I didn't mean. It was frustrating and upsetting. It became a vicious cycle of me repeating myself and her analyzing me. Me trying to correct her and explain myself and her analyzing it to mean something else. I was in shutdown by the end of the appointment and felt she was treating me like a child. I left the appointment and ran to the toilet and cried, sobbed uncontrollably actually. It was awful. I never went back to see her. So unhelpful and unsupportive.

I don't know how to stop once I get going, I go into a reactive, must explain myself mode and the vicious cycle starts. I won't be able to stop until I am satisfied I have been understood and heard or if I am not understood or heard, I will shut-down, too worn out and upset to keep talking.

Atrus said I can share this quote of his about how he feels about my need to over-explain.

'I get tired of it, but I have to put up with it, because if I interrupt her, I get more of it. Otherwise she will say 'I have to explain that I have to explain myself. Then I have to repeat it to make sure you understand.' Then he laughed.

I am really glad that he is understanding and patient with me. I am aware of this aspect of myself now and am trying not to let myself slip into a reactive, perseverating mode. It will take time to stop myself from reacting to being triggered by feeling invalidated, misunderstood or unheard.

I just over-explained my need to over-explain myself. I have to laugh. Ha ha!