I recently discovered a new term: time blindness. It perfectly describes my struggles with time management. My husband Atrus has similar struggles with time management too, we do compliment each other somewhat so it balances out a little.
I have time blindness. I lose track of time so easily. The pressure of adhering and following time causes me a lot of stress and anxiety. I really would prefer to live my life free of clocks, time and do things at my pace and when I can.
I have worked hard to figure out ways to cope with time blindness and am getting better at being on time. I realise I need a lot of time where I don't have anything scheduled or planned so I can cope with the times there is a lot more pressure on me. My anxiety is too severe and I get too worn out by having to constantly cope with outside pressures on me. I need uninterrupted down time to lose track of time as a rest period. I cope a lot better with time management when I have these times regularly.
I hugely struggle with time management. I have severe anxiety, asd, ADHD, depression and PTSD. I have always struggled to be on time, all my life. I have a love/hate relationship with time as it makes no sense to me to live by man made time rules. I find time confusing and stressful. I have no context of time when I don't have a clock or watch with me. I can't estimate how long things take. I do not wear a watch because having the time with me all the time causes me huge anxiety and I feel far too much pressure (too much pressure and performance anxiety means I fall apart with anxiety and crying if there is too much then nothing gets done and I have no more energy to get myself to whatever I'm trying to get to).
When I'm in the zone of getting ready, time ceases to exist as I'm so focused on getting ready and can get so easily distracted by things that need doing and I get obsessive about getting everything done before I leave the house. I hate leaving the kitchen in a mess (I'm getting better at letting the mess go and prioritizing being there on time). I have recently changed all our clocks to 10-15 min fast and then aim to leave 10-15 min before the time I need to be there on the 15 min fast clock which really means 30 mins earlier and I am finally having success in being on time to things. I have reminders on my phone for everything too, which helps. It's taken me till this year to mostly be on time. I don't work due to disability so that isn't an issue for me but I have been late to appointments or missed public transport because I under-estimated how long it would take me to get ready and how long it would take me to walk to wherever I need to (I don't drive due to anxiety). I'd arrive late, in tears and have a major anxiety attack in public (horrible and embarrassing experiences). I majorly struggle with executive function (dysfunction in my case) which is planning, organisation and making things happen. I am slowly improving with time management and being on time. It's important to me and I always feel like such a failure in life and a crappy person every time I'm late. I tend to beat myself up about it a lot and get depressed and anxious about it. But I'm trying so hard to find ways of being on time that work for me and being heaps kinder to myself about it when I am late (the lateness is happening a lot less). I'm learning.
I'm over 30 and a parent so it's been a life long learning curve for me to manage my time better.
Further reading:
This will be hopefully be a short blog post as I have an obsessive need to over-explain my reasoning for everything in my life. I write that now, in the hopes that I can curb my obsessive need to explain my need to over-explain for the purpose of this blog post.
Everything I do, think and feel has a reason and explanation. I am sure this is the case for everyone though. I am constantly analysing and over-analysing myself, my thoughts, feelings and behaviours trying to understand myself better, improve ways I do things and improve my character. I am always trying to see myself as I truly am and find my blind spots so I am aware of it. I find constructive criticism (in small doses when I am prepared for it) a welcome and helpful aspect of learning about myself. I am obsessed with understanding myself and seeing myself as I truly am, not how I like to think of myself. My obsession with understanding myself has helped me to work through a lot of issues quickly. In other cases it causes misunderstandings, arguments and upsets as I always feel a need to explain why I do, act or react the way I do. I go over the top with my explaining. I over-explain in minute detail my reasons why.
Any hint of not being heard or misunderstood by another and I will unleash a perversating torrent of reasons explaining my behaviour on the other person. I find it hard to stop doing this until I am satisfied that I am fully understood and heard by the other person. Meanwhile the other person must find it intense, confronting and overwhelming. I get the feeling that my need to explain every aspect and reason why for whatever it is is a turn off and isolates me from people. I find this upsetting as I want to connect with people. It is really difficult for me not to respond and over-explain myself when I am feeling triggered.
My need to over-explain comes from years of being misunderstood, not being able to explain myself due to not having the language, self-awareness or knowledge of what was going on for me, and not feeling heard. It is my biggest trigger.
Being invalidated, not listened to or misunderstood is a major trigger for me. After years of constantly being misunderstood, invalidated and not having the language to express myself as a child and teenager. I am now super sensitive to any hint of feeling this way. I get anxious, upset and feel like my world is being turned upside down. It is really difficult for me not to react when I am triggered by not feeling heard, understood or validated.
Atrus gets the worst of it as I know him best and feel most comfortable around him. It is easiest for me to talk to him about whatever is bothering me. He gets really tired of me over-explaining myself and repeating myself constantly. It can and has become a vicious cycle between us. He tells me he understood it the first time. Once I get started in my perseverating over-explaining torrent it is difficult to stop. We both end up feeling frustrated and angry because my need to over-explain is going nowhere. Thankfully Atrus is very understanding of me. I have over-explained to him my need to over-explain my reasoning so he gets it. I am trying to curb my need to over-explain everything. It is very difficult.
I have over-explained in other situations with people I don't know as well and it hasn't ended well. I end up too worn out, upset and anxious to keep explaining myself. e.g. During my 7 week Facebook break last year I sought out a psychologist and had a couple of sessions with her. The first one was ok. The second one was horrible and upsetting. My need to over-explain things lead to it not working out with this psychologist. She did not understand me which led to me perseverating verbally, with her analyzing everything I said to mean something I didn't mean. It was frustrating and upsetting. It became a vicious cycle of me repeating myself and her analyzing me. Me trying to correct her and explain myself and her analyzing it to mean something else. I was in shutdown by the end of the appointment and felt she was treating me like a child. I left the appointment and ran to the toilet and cried, sobbed uncontrollably actually. It was awful. I never went back to see her. So unhelpful and unsupportive.
I don't know how to stop once I get going, I go into a reactive, must explain myself mode and the vicious cycle starts. I won't be able to stop until I am satisfied I have been understood and heard or if I am not understood or heard, I will shut-down, too worn out and upset to keep talking.
Atrus said I can share this quote of his about how he feels about my need to over-explain.
'I get tired of it, but I have to put up with it, because if I interrupt her, I get more of it. Otherwise she will say 'I have to explain that I have to explain myself. Then I have to repeat it to make sure you understand.' Then he laughed.
I am really glad that he is understanding and patient with me. I am aware of this aspect of myself now and am trying not to let myself slip into a reactive, perseverating mode. It will take time to stop myself from reacting to being triggered by feeling invalidated, misunderstood or unheard.
I just over-explained my need to over-explain myself. I have to laugh. Ha ha!
I really dislike cleaning the kitchen. It is the bane of my existence. I find it exhausting, mindless, mundane and never-ending! Atrus and I are always trying to figure out ways to become more efficient in cleaning the kitchen to minimise how much time we have to spend cleaning. I dislike having to do big blocks of cleaning in the kitchen because that cuts into time I could be doing other far more interesting and intellectually stimulating things. Atrus and I usually clean the kitchen together, we have a morning and evening routine that we try to follow to minimise the mess building up and becoming a really big mess. We are all about prevention and efficiency. The past few days Atrus has been unwell in bed, so I have had to do everything in the kitchen myself. We let the mess go for a couple of days prior and it was my son Possum's birthday party prior to this. This meant there was extra mess in the kitchen than normal. I did not have a good day on the Monday as I was feeling really worn out after the party and emotionally awful. I needed to have a rest day of doing nothing. Cleaning the kitchen was too overwhelming to face. Yesterday (Tuesday) I finally faced the mess on my own whilst Atrus rested in bed. I found it exhausting to do it all. It took me over 2 hours to clean the worst of it, by which time I was worn out. I had a rest after this. Last night and this morning I had more cleaning to do to prevent the mess from escalating. I calculated I spent roughly 4 hours cleaning the kitchen over the past two days, which I think is ridiculous and frustrating!
I had a little crying vent to Atrus over how much I dislike cleaning the kitchen. Atrus listened patiently while I cried about how long it had taken and how frustrating it was. I googled 'cleaning the kitchen efficiently' on my phone while he was listening to me vent. I scrolled through the list of links, most of them weren't what I was looking for. Towards the end of the list, there was a link called '10 ways to clean your kitchen less often and enjoy it far more.' I told Atrus about the article I had found and started reading it. The first thing on the list is, I kid you not, '1. Start with an empty dishwasher and an empty sink.' I burst out laughing because the above statement is the very thing I struggle to keep on top of most, let alone do anything beyond that, besides cooking. The article had some helpful tips, but it was mostly stuff I already know and try very hard to do, but find very difficult, overwhelming, tiring to maintain, which is really frustrating and upsetting. I did feel better after having a laugh about the first statement in the article, realising that the way I clean and do things is very different to what most articles suggest to do.
I have read a few simplifying housework articles over time which have ideas of how to clean your house in one hour or four daily routines, for example, to keep cleaning simple. I find them overwhelming and stressful as the amount of work they suggest to do is phenomenal. I do not have that kind of energy to do ALL that they suggest, plus actually live my life! I am working on working out cleaning routines which work for us, in particular a cleaning routine for the kitchen as it gets the messiest very quickly.
I hate clutter on the kitchen bench, really hate it. Clutter on the bench makes it so difficult for me to face cleaning up and cooking. I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated when I come see the kitchen so cluttered. I have been researching ways to clear the clutter off the kitchen bench into other areas so that it doesn't build up and take over the kitchen bench. It is a constant battle to mimise the clutter on the bench. I have shared a couple of articles below with some ideas of what I am planning to try to get rid of most of the kitchen bench clutter. I am very visual so have realised that I need to have certain things on the bench for me to see otherwise I will completely forget about whatever it is and not take it or use it. I am in the process of researching and working out a visual system to refer to help me with this, so that I make use of the things I need to in the kitchen and don't forget important to use or take items (such as my vitamins/medication).
I have this ideal in my head of how the kitchen will be but never ever reach it. I have stopped trying to reach that ideal because it is unrealistic. I stress myself out too much trying to reach it otherwise. I don't think it is too much to ask to have the dishwasher unloaded/dishes washed up, and kitchen bench clear though. That is my aim, to wake up to every morning and have done every night before bed, so the mess doesn't build up to two, three days or more of mess. If the kitchen gets to three or more days of mess then the mess is very overwhelming, gross and hours of work. Which I dislike! I do not like spending hours of my time and energy cleaning the kitchen, when I can be doing other things. If the kitchen gets really bad, then I end up avoiding cleaning and cooking because it is too overwhelming to look at. Atrus cleans it up, like a reset, only then am I able to face the kitchen and cooking again. I feel bad about not cooking or cleaning when it gets this bad. Whenever I look at the mess my brain cannot differentiate the mess and I find it difficult to figure out how to break the mess down into doable clean up steps. The kitchen will have gotten to this point because I am worn out and have likely over-done it, so need to rest. When I come to face the kitchen mess in this worn out state, I don't have the spoons or EF to clean it up. Then cook on top of all the cleaning I have had to do to get the kitchen back to manageable and able to cook level. This is what I find most frustrating. Once the kitchen gets out of control, which only takes a day or two, then I likely won't cook most of that week. I am trying really hard to manage my energy and have systems/routines in place to prevent the mess from escalating, most of the time it works well. Sometimes it doesn't, it is those times that I find difficult to navigate.
I find it really difficult to get the work of the kitchen done quickly, what might take others (on average) 20 minutes, probably takes me twice that. Add in interruptions from my son Possum and it takes a lot longer to get it all done. Every time I am interrupted by something, I have to spend time figuring out what I was doing and allow myself to slowly get back into whatever I was doing. If I have multiple interruptions all together, I end up needing to take a break to collect my thoughts and figure out what I was doing originally. All this takes time and means the time taken to clean the kitchen takes longer and longer. Very frustrating indeed. Most days the kitchen is not fully cleaned until after 11am. By then most of the morning is gone and I can't go anywhere till after lunch as my blood sugar will be too low to go anywhere by then (I walk everywhere as I don't drive). I find it difficult to let the mess go and get on with other things that need doing sometimes too. I hate coming back home after a tiring day out to a mess in the kitchen. I know I will not have the energy to clean it up when I get home. I always try to make sure the worst of the mess is dealt with before we leave the house, which means we are often late leaving the house because of my need to not have a mess to deal with at the end of a busy, tiring day.
