Learning to listen to trust my voice.
For the majority of my life I've been told I'm doing it wrong (it being any number of things) by lots of different people who think they know me better than I know myself. It's frustrating, exhausting and makes me constantly second guess and doubt myself. I grew up thinking I was wrong and defective- it was so detrimental and soul destroying. This is something I've been thinking about for awhile and remembering all the things I've been told I'm doing wrong throughout my life by different people. It is hurtful and upsetting. I get angry when I think about how many times I have been invalidated, undermined or told I am doing it wrong.
Throughout this year I've been slowly learning to listen to my own voice and trust my instinct with things and I've never been happier. It's a good feeling. I've also limited contact with professionals which has really helped. For once I haven't been told over and over that I'm doing it wrong. It's a relief. It is liberating. I finally feel at peace with myself, that I am doing the right thing. I am learning to trust myself, to feel confident in my decisions and life choices.
Showing posts with label neurodiversity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label neurodiversity. Show all posts
Monday, 7 November 2016
Tuesday, 18 October 2016
Before diagnosis
I wrote this for an e-magazine (now defunct) a couple of years ago which is so it was never published. I finally got around to publishing it on my blog.
Before I realised I was Autistic. I was already doing things which helped me cope, these things helped me cope as an undiagnosed Autistic. I used written communication as much as I could instead of speaking verbally to people. I remember writing letters, emails and dot point statements to help me communicate myself articulately to people. My mind often went blank in situations of stress and anxiety. I knew I was much better at written communication, so I used it as a way of communicating with people. It was only once I was diagnosed that I was truly able to embrace my preference for written communication and got involved in the Autism community where written communication is the norm.
I remember being very socially avoidant especially if the social event was likely to be unpredictable and go longer than I could cope with. I limited how much socialising I did, to twice a week or so. This varied depending on my level of coping. I would be exhausted after the social event and have to recover. I remember feeling like the odd one out as a result and others saw me as anti-social and rude. I hated myself because I couldn't cope socially. This happened time and time again. I did enjoy socialising but reached a point where it was too much. I would get grumpy and easily irritated at the social outing. I did not know why. I felt like others saw me as rude and ungrateful for their company. I felt I drove people away as a result. It was upsetting. I liked socialising and enjoyed the energy I felt from others whilst I was socialising, at the same time I found the experience intense and overwhelming. I could feel all the tensions and energy in the room from all the people and this would become acutely painful after a time.
I distinctly remember sitting in my room (while I was at Uni) watching my mobile phone ring as one of my friends called me about going to her party. I had texted her to cancel my attendance as I was not up to going. I could not face talking to her as I knew I would be pressured to go to her party. I did not know how to explain myself or put up a boundary so I avoided dealing with it. I felt so much guilt for doing this, but I did not know what else to do. I believe this led to loss of friends which I found heartbreaking. I used avoidance to cope which I disliked doing. I did not know what else to do to cope. I know how to deal with it now due to understanding myself better.
Somehow I managed to do a full time BA/BTeach degree and manage socially but not without lots of insomnia, stress, anxiety, illness and tears/meltdowns. It was difficult, overwhelming and exhausting. I ended up having to drop the teaching side of my degree after two years. I didn’t cope with the full load. I completed the BA (Visual Communication). It was the art side of my degree which kept me going. Art was and is my passion. I find it very therapeutic. It took me a number of years to complete my teaching degree (part time long distance), but I did it. It was worth pursuing my degrees.
I learnt darkroom photography in high school, it opened up a whole new world. I was amazed and obsessed with photography. I loved watching the photo develop in the developer fluid, it was a visual stim for me. Such an amazing thing to watch. It never ceased to amaze me how a blank sheet of photo paper could produce such a beautiful image. I understood how it worked, of course but the sheer beauty of watching an image come to life had me hooked from then on! I spent as much time in the darkroom as I could. It was a beautiful, dark (low light) and quiet environment away from the business of the world. I remember many times stepping out of the darkroom back into the world and desperately wanting to go back. The world seemed so much brighter, noisier and more chaotic than I last remembered.
When I was in high school I came across a book in the library quite by accident. I borrowed this book, it was called 'Wise Highs' by Alex J. Packer. It changed my life. I remember looking through it and coming across a section on sensory deprivation. I was intensely drawn to the idea of sensory deprivation. I longed to try it out, but did not have a wardrobe big enough and I couldn't figure out how else to do it with privacy with the rest of my family around. I put it away in my mind to refer to when I had a chance to try it out. Fast forward a couple of years and I'm in my first year of University. I'd left home for the first time. I was struggling to cope with all the changes, struggling to adapt and manage on my own. I had recently moved out of an abusive boarding situation into a house with other women my own age. The room I rented had a big roomy wardrobe. I remembered reading about sensory deprivation from 'Wise Highs,' and decided to set up the wardrobe as a sensory deprivation space. I got excited because now I was finally able to try it out for myself. I set myself up in my wardrobe with pillows, blankets and ear plugs. I forgot the world exists. I let go of everything. I let my mind drift and dream. It was a relief to hear and see nothing. To escape from the busyness of the world. It was very peaceful and calm. I stayed in my sensory deprivation space for a decent amount of time. I can't remember exactly how long. I emerged feeling peaceful and ready to face the world again.
Since that first time of trying sensory deprivation, I have set myself up a sensory deprivation chamber using various wardrobes wherever I have lived. I craved it. I longed for it. Since my diagnosis of ASC and fully understanding of myself, using sensory deprivation makes so much sense. I instinctively knew what I needed before I understood (I knew I was different, I just had no idea why) my neurology and did what was best for me. It helped me cope and face the world again many times. I am so grateful that I accidentally found 'Wise Highs' in my high school library all those years ago. I have now bought myself a copy of the book as it has other great stress relieving ideas.
I remember experiencing meltdowns many times and having no clue why I did it or what it was. I found it so embarrassing when I lost control of my emotions so easily. I felt my difference to others intensified in those moments. I did not understand why it happened. I tried so hard to stop myself, to control it, but I always failed. I felt intensely raw and exposed whenever I lost control, but I always felt better after having released everything emotionally. I figured it must be good for me. I gave up controlling it after awhile and started embracing that I experienced the world in an intense, real way compared to others. I thought I was one of the few real people in the world as most people around me seemed fake. This was my explanation to myself which made the most sense. I felt intensely drawn to people who gave off a real vibe. They gave off a different vibe to others. Unfortunately, they often did not reciprocate. I felt like I was in a desert without real connections at times, at times there would be brief moments of intense, amazing connection with a person but it was rare. I thirsted for it and became obsessed with finding connection in others. I became obsessed with finding the perfect friendship. This unfortunately came across as desperate and clingy, so I would often end up feeling alone and unwanted.
I processed social events with my Mum before I met Atrus. She was very understanding and helpful. I remember her advice to me was to ask people lots of questions about themselves and their lives, as people like to share things about themselves. The idea was to keep people talking so I didn't have to talk as much.
I remember spending many hours talking with Atrus, my husband after a social event analysing and processing it together to help me understand where I went wrong and where I could improve. He would point out things I hadn't realised I had done and then I would get upset.
I spent a lot of time analysing social interaction and trying to understand why people what they did. I perseverated on it. I have experienced broken friendships, people have cut me out of their lives for no apparent reason. It was very hurtful and confusing for me. I felt strongly drawn to certain people. Now I accept and understand people are unpredictable and, it is not my issue. They chose to cut me out. It is their issue. It is a reflection on them. I don’t need people who treat people this way in my life. I choose to surround myself with people who understand and accept me.
When I socialised with others I either talked way too much (anxiety driven talking) or not at all. This depended on the amount of people I was interacting with at the time. One on one I talked a lot. In a big group I could not get the words to come out of my mouth no matter how much I wanted to say something. I have experienced this at different times in my life. Especially at school. School was tough. I was vulnerable to abuse because I was not able to speak up. It was isolating. If I am in a group of people I don't know well, e.g. a workshop. I will find it very difficult to speak and share my experiences. In school everyone thought I was shy because I didn't speak much but I wasn't shy. I just couldn't talk no matter how much I wanted to. I often had a lot to say but I couldn’t verbalise myself. I know now this as selective mutism. This has improved with age, confidence and maturity and understanding of how my brain works.
In Primary school, I cried easily over anything unexpected. I earnt the name 'cry baby'. I hated it. I had no control over my crying. It just spilled out of me uncontrollably whenever I felt overwhelmed and lost control of a situation. E.g. Playing tag with the other kids. I loved running away from the person who was 'it' but if I was tagged and became 'it' I would soon start crying because I couldn't catch anyone as I wasn't very fast. I took the game very seriously and personally, others would run away laughing and I would start to feel overwhelmed with emotions and start crying. I would feel left out and like I would never catch them and be 'it' forever so would just start crying (meltdown) instead. I soon got a reputation as a cry baby. Other kids were hesitant to let me play with them as a result. This further isolated me. I hated it. I wanted to belong but my big, intense emotions took over so start to cry. As I grew older I learnt to control my crying and hid it well. I don’t cry as easily now and wish I was able to.
I wasn't able to cope with driving, ever. It has always been mentally and emotionally exhausting for me. I would get highly anxious and confused whenever I attempted to drive in stressful situations. I have had driving lessons which helped me learn how to use the car but that didn't change my brain's response to too much stimuli and having to do many little actions with my body in a short amount of time. This means I can drive very well on a quiet country road with little traffic but I'm hopeless at driving when I try to drive in more stressful situations with lots of traffic.
I found the idea of full time work overwhelming and it filled me with anxiety. I knew I was intelligent and able to work but I didn't know how to work out how to fit a job into my life in a way I could cope with. I was very work avoidant. The part-time work I did do, I often found mindless and boring as soon as I learnt how to do it. I get bored easily. I have always wanted to work in something which engages me and where I never stop learning. I have no idea what type of work is for me yet. I am going to work out my career path. I found the social aspect of the work environment annoying and confusing. I was often left out of things as a result. This added to my anxiety and stress levels. It was partly for this reason I decided to become a Mother, because I did not know what else to do with myself. I felt I was useless to the world, that I had nothing to offer. I thought at least I would be able to be useful to one person, a child.
I became obsessed with getting pregnant. I was completely unprepared for how tough motherhood would be. I was naive and immature with a number of issues of my own. When I was not able to get pregnant easily I became even more obsessed and had meltdowns each month I did not get pregnant. I was so focused on getting pregnant, I did not think of anything else. I researched improving fertility and diet. I finally did get pregnant after a year of trying. Then I focused on researching birth and labour.
I researched and chose to have a homebirth. Which meant I had control over my labour environment and there were no strangers in my space. I remember feeling terrified and anxious at the thought of going to hospital and having to deal with strangers in my most vulnerable moments. I could not cope with the idea of going to hospital so researched intensely about homebirth and realised it was best for me and my child. I had two trained midwives present. Everything was fine for both my son and I.
The adjustment to motherhood was difficult and traumatic. Suddenly this tiny person needed me constantly, cried a lot, slept unpredictably and was messy. It was incredibly overwhelming and overstimulating. I did not know how to cope, somehow I survived those early years. I was highly anxious 95% of the time until my son was nearly 2. I was always on high alert. I could not relax, I did not allow myself to. I had no idea how to relax and wind down anyway. My son’s cries sent my anxiety sky high and there was no escaping his cries. I had to attend to him and calm him down whilst almost in a state of panic myself. It was extremely tough and overwhelming. I had no understanding of this within myself so was not able to communicate this with anyone. It was extremely lonely and isolating. I carried on in this high alert state for almost a year. The cracks started to show as I could not manage to keep myself together in such a high level of anxiety for so long. I was extremely irritable, stressed, anxious, depressed, suffered from insomnia and just could not cope with much. I was a mess. I went to see a therapist for PND. She did CBT with me and taught me about body relaxation. She was helpful but I realised after a time, I did not click with my therapist as well as I would like to. I felt she wasn’t really helping me either. She thought it was how I parented my son was the problem, which it was not. I knew instinctively it was something else and decided to stop seeing her. I saw another therapist. She wasn’t very helpful either. Her suggestion was to put my son in daycare to allow me time to myself, which in hindsight would have helped me but I was not open to the idea, yet. No one had taught me how to manage my stress and anxiety levels in a way which suited me. I, myself, did not realise what I needed, I just knew I needed some other type of support/help than what I had found thus far.
I was desperate. I was in such a bad place. I was not coping as a Mother at all. I was determined to find the right support. I knew there was something different about me as I have always felt different from others. I decided to read about Aspergers and females. My Mum had suspected I was on the spectrum for a while but I had been in denial about it for a few years. I finally accepted I might be on the Spectrum and read ‘Aspergirls’ by Rudy Simone. My life changed when I read her book. I no longer felt alone. My life made sense, finally!
I have many different stims I do, some are body stims, some are visual stims, some are motion stims, some are aural stims. I have been doing many of them my entire life. I learnt to hide my stims as I got older so when I first realised I was Autistic I had trouble trying to recognise if I stimmed at all. Now, I can see many things I do which are stims but are fairly hidden, most of the time. I am unlearning to hide them, to embrace them and do them when I need to.
I spent so much time analysing myself and wondering why I was so different. I worked so hard to improve myself and trying to be more aware of my limits so I could grow and improve myself. Yet I always fell short. I was so aware of the gap between myself and others. So aware of how much I struggled to do everyday things which seemed so effortless for others to do, yet difficult for me. I turned inwards on myself. Hating myself for how I was. Hating the fact I couldn't cope with things others could do. Hating the fact I always struggled to connect with people. I had very little confidence in myself and who I was. I was in a dark place. My diagnosis changed this. I began a journey of understanding, self awareness and self-acceptance. My diagnosis changed my life for the better.
I have been very open about my diagnosis with the people in my life, choosing to use my diagnosis as a way of helping others understand me. This often backfires unfortunately. People sometimes assume I'm using my diagnosis as an excuse for my supposedly bad and avoidant behaviour. What they don't realise is I was like this before my diagnosis. I'm diagnosed now and I finally understand myself. I have the knowledge to work out ways of helping myself to cope better and language to articulate myself to others. Self-acceptance has played a huge part in me being able to move forward as a whole, yet imperfect person.
The idea that I'm using my diagnosis as an excuse is irrelevant now. I realise just how much Autism coloured my life was prior to me even realising it.
I and other Autistic people need people to understand this. We don't need people assuming we are using our diagnosis as an excuse for our differences and behaviour. We need acceptance. We need understanding. We need support. The diagnosis and new understanding of oneself is an explanation, not an excuse.
I am aware some people may use Autism as an excuse for their behaviour but they don't need judgement. They need understanding. Perhaps they don't know how to cope better and need support for figuring out a better way. Perhaps they find change hard and overwhelming. Whatever the reason, telling an already vulnerable person who has likely spent years feeling alienated and different to stop using their diagnosis as an excuse is not supportive or empathetic at all.
When people tell me I am using Autism as an excuse or I need to try harder to overcome my disability, they don’t realise how ignorant they sound and how hard I have worked to become the person I am today and to cope as well as I do. It’s can be quite insulting and undermining to someone on their label acceptance journey but I believe a little understanding can go a long way.
Before I realised I was Autistic. I was already doing things which helped me cope, these things helped me cope as an undiagnosed Autistic. I used written communication as much as I could instead of speaking verbally to people. I remember writing letters, emails and dot point statements to help me communicate myself articulately to people. My mind often went blank in situations of stress and anxiety. I knew I was much better at written communication, so I used it as a way of communicating with people. It was only once I was diagnosed that I was truly able to embrace my preference for written communication and got involved in the Autism community where written communication is the norm.
I remember being very socially avoidant especially if the social event was likely to be unpredictable and go longer than I could cope with. I limited how much socialising I did, to twice a week or so. This varied depending on my level of coping. I would be exhausted after the social event and have to recover. I remember feeling like the odd one out as a result and others saw me as anti-social and rude. I hated myself because I couldn't cope socially. This happened time and time again. I did enjoy socialising but reached a point where it was too much. I would get grumpy and easily irritated at the social outing. I did not know why. I felt like others saw me as rude and ungrateful for their company. I felt I drove people away as a result. It was upsetting. I liked socialising and enjoyed the energy I felt from others whilst I was socialising, at the same time I found the experience intense and overwhelming. I could feel all the tensions and energy in the room from all the people and this would become acutely painful after a time.
I distinctly remember sitting in my room (while I was at Uni) watching my mobile phone ring as one of my friends called me about going to her party. I had texted her to cancel my attendance as I was not up to going. I could not face talking to her as I knew I would be pressured to go to her party. I did not know how to explain myself or put up a boundary so I avoided dealing with it. I felt so much guilt for doing this, but I did not know what else to do. I believe this led to loss of friends which I found heartbreaking. I used avoidance to cope which I disliked doing. I did not know what else to do to cope. I know how to deal with it now due to understanding myself better.
Somehow I managed to do a full time BA/BTeach degree and manage socially but not without lots of insomnia, stress, anxiety, illness and tears/meltdowns. It was difficult, overwhelming and exhausting. I ended up having to drop the teaching side of my degree after two years. I didn’t cope with the full load. I completed the BA (Visual Communication). It was the art side of my degree which kept me going. Art was and is my passion. I find it very therapeutic. It took me a number of years to complete my teaching degree (part time long distance), but I did it. It was worth pursuing my degrees.
I learnt darkroom photography in high school, it opened up a whole new world. I was amazed and obsessed with photography. I loved watching the photo develop in the developer fluid, it was a visual stim for me. Such an amazing thing to watch. It never ceased to amaze me how a blank sheet of photo paper could produce such a beautiful image. I understood how it worked, of course but the sheer beauty of watching an image come to life had me hooked from then on! I spent as much time in the darkroom as I could. It was a beautiful, dark (low light) and quiet environment away from the business of the world. I remember many times stepping out of the darkroom back into the world and desperately wanting to go back. The world seemed so much brighter, noisier and more chaotic than I last remembered.
When I was in high school I came across a book in the library quite by accident. I borrowed this book, it was called 'Wise Highs' by Alex J. Packer. It changed my life. I remember looking through it and coming across a section on sensory deprivation. I was intensely drawn to the idea of sensory deprivation. I longed to try it out, but did not have a wardrobe big enough and I couldn't figure out how else to do it with privacy with the rest of my family around. I put it away in my mind to refer to when I had a chance to try it out. Fast forward a couple of years and I'm in my first year of University. I'd left home for the first time. I was struggling to cope with all the changes, struggling to adapt and manage on my own. I had recently moved out of an abusive boarding situation into a house with other women my own age. The room I rented had a big roomy wardrobe. I remembered reading about sensory deprivation from 'Wise Highs,' and decided to set up the wardrobe as a sensory deprivation space. I got excited because now I was finally able to try it out for myself. I set myself up in my wardrobe with pillows, blankets and ear plugs. I forgot the world exists. I let go of everything. I let my mind drift and dream. It was a relief to hear and see nothing. To escape from the busyness of the world. It was very peaceful and calm. I stayed in my sensory deprivation space for a decent amount of time. I can't remember exactly how long. I emerged feeling peaceful and ready to face the world again.
Since that first time of trying sensory deprivation, I have set myself up a sensory deprivation chamber using various wardrobes wherever I have lived. I craved it. I longed for it. Since my diagnosis of ASC and fully understanding of myself, using sensory deprivation makes so much sense. I instinctively knew what I needed before I understood (I knew I was different, I just had no idea why) my neurology and did what was best for me. It helped me cope and face the world again many times. I am so grateful that I accidentally found 'Wise Highs' in my high school library all those years ago. I have now bought myself a copy of the book as it has other great stress relieving ideas.
I remember experiencing meltdowns many times and having no clue why I did it or what it was. I found it so embarrassing when I lost control of my emotions so easily. I felt my difference to others intensified in those moments. I did not understand why it happened. I tried so hard to stop myself, to control it, but I always failed. I felt intensely raw and exposed whenever I lost control, but I always felt better after having released everything emotionally. I figured it must be good for me. I gave up controlling it after awhile and started embracing that I experienced the world in an intense, real way compared to others. I thought I was one of the few real people in the world as most people around me seemed fake. This was my explanation to myself which made the most sense. I felt intensely drawn to people who gave off a real vibe. They gave off a different vibe to others. Unfortunately, they often did not reciprocate. I felt like I was in a desert without real connections at times, at times there would be brief moments of intense, amazing connection with a person but it was rare. I thirsted for it and became obsessed with finding connection in others. I became obsessed with finding the perfect friendship. This unfortunately came across as desperate and clingy, so I would often end up feeling alone and unwanted.
I processed social events with my Mum before I met Atrus. She was very understanding and helpful. I remember her advice to me was to ask people lots of questions about themselves and their lives, as people like to share things about themselves. The idea was to keep people talking so I didn't have to talk as much.
I remember spending many hours talking with Atrus, my husband after a social event analysing and processing it together to help me understand where I went wrong and where I could improve. He would point out things I hadn't realised I had done and then I would get upset.
I spent a lot of time analysing social interaction and trying to understand why people what they did. I perseverated on it. I have experienced broken friendships, people have cut me out of their lives for no apparent reason. It was very hurtful and confusing for me. I felt strongly drawn to certain people. Now I accept and understand people are unpredictable and, it is not my issue. They chose to cut me out. It is their issue. It is a reflection on them. I don’t need people who treat people this way in my life. I choose to surround myself with people who understand and accept me.
When I socialised with others I either talked way too much (anxiety driven talking) or not at all. This depended on the amount of people I was interacting with at the time. One on one I talked a lot. In a big group I could not get the words to come out of my mouth no matter how much I wanted to say something. I have experienced this at different times in my life. Especially at school. School was tough. I was vulnerable to abuse because I was not able to speak up. It was isolating. If I am in a group of people I don't know well, e.g. a workshop. I will find it very difficult to speak and share my experiences. In school everyone thought I was shy because I didn't speak much but I wasn't shy. I just couldn't talk no matter how much I wanted to. I often had a lot to say but I couldn’t verbalise myself. I know now this as selective mutism. This has improved with age, confidence and maturity and understanding of how my brain works.
In Primary school, I cried easily over anything unexpected. I earnt the name 'cry baby'. I hated it. I had no control over my crying. It just spilled out of me uncontrollably whenever I felt overwhelmed and lost control of a situation. E.g. Playing tag with the other kids. I loved running away from the person who was 'it' but if I was tagged and became 'it' I would soon start crying because I couldn't catch anyone as I wasn't very fast. I took the game very seriously and personally, others would run away laughing and I would start to feel overwhelmed with emotions and start crying. I would feel left out and like I would never catch them and be 'it' forever so would just start crying (meltdown) instead. I soon got a reputation as a cry baby. Other kids were hesitant to let me play with them as a result. This further isolated me. I hated it. I wanted to belong but my big, intense emotions took over so start to cry. As I grew older I learnt to control my crying and hid it well. I don’t cry as easily now and wish I was able to.
I wasn't able to cope with driving, ever. It has always been mentally and emotionally exhausting for me. I would get highly anxious and confused whenever I attempted to drive in stressful situations. I have had driving lessons which helped me learn how to use the car but that didn't change my brain's response to too much stimuli and having to do many little actions with my body in a short amount of time. This means I can drive very well on a quiet country road with little traffic but I'm hopeless at driving when I try to drive in more stressful situations with lots of traffic.
I found the idea of full time work overwhelming and it filled me with anxiety. I knew I was intelligent and able to work but I didn't know how to work out how to fit a job into my life in a way I could cope with. I was very work avoidant. The part-time work I did do, I often found mindless and boring as soon as I learnt how to do it. I get bored easily. I have always wanted to work in something which engages me and where I never stop learning. I have no idea what type of work is for me yet. I am going to work out my career path. I found the social aspect of the work environment annoying and confusing. I was often left out of things as a result. This added to my anxiety and stress levels. It was partly for this reason I decided to become a Mother, because I did not know what else to do with myself. I felt I was useless to the world, that I had nothing to offer. I thought at least I would be able to be useful to one person, a child.
I became obsessed with getting pregnant. I was completely unprepared for how tough motherhood would be. I was naive and immature with a number of issues of my own. When I was not able to get pregnant easily I became even more obsessed and had meltdowns each month I did not get pregnant. I was so focused on getting pregnant, I did not think of anything else. I researched improving fertility and diet. I finally did get pregnant after a year of trying. Then I focused on researching birth and labour.
I researched and chose to have a homebirth. Which meant I had control over my labour environment and there were no strangers in my space. I remember feeling terrified and anxious at the thought of going to hospital and having to deal with strangers in my most vulnerable moments. I could not cope with the idea of going to hospital so researched intensely about homebirth and realised it was best for me and my child. I had two trained midwives present. Everything was fine for both my son and I.
The adjustment to motherhood was difficult and traumatic. Suddenly this tiny person needed me constantly, cried a lot, slept unpredictably and was messy. It was incredibly overwhelming and overstimulating. I did not know how to cope, somehow I survived those early years. I was highly anxious 95% of the time until my son was nearly 2. I was always on high alert. I could not relax, I did not allow myself to. I had no idea how to relax and wind down anyway. My son’s cries sent my anxiety sky high and there was no escaping his cries. I had to attend to him and calm him down whilst almost in a state of panic myself. It was extremely tough and overwhelming. I had no understanding of this within myself so was not able to communicate this with anyone. It was extremely lonely and isolating. I carried on in this high alert state for almost a year. The cracks started to show as I could not manage to keep myself together in such a high level of anxiety for so long. I was extremely irritable, stressed, anxious, depressed, suffered from insomnia and just could not cope with much. I was a mess. I went to see a therapist for PND. She did CBT with me and taught me about body relaxation. She was helpful but I realised after a time, I did not click with my therapist as well as I would like to. I felt she wasn’t really helping me either. She thought it was how I parented my son was the problem, which it was not. I knew instinctively it was something else and decided to stop seeing her. I saw another therapist. She wasn’t very helpful either. Her suggestion was to put my son in daycare to allow me time to myself, which in hindsight would have helped me but I was not open to the idea, yet. No one had taught me how to manage my stress and anxiety levels in a way which suited me. I, myself, did not realise what I needed, I just knew I needed some other type of support/help than what I had found thus far.
I was desperate. I was in such a bad place. I was not coping as a Mother at all. I was determined to find the right support. I knew there was something different about me as I have always felt different from others. I decided to read about Aspergers and females. My Mum had suspected I was on the spectrum for a while but I had been in denial about it for a few years. I finally accepted I might be on the Spectrum and read ‘Aspergirls’ by Rudy Simone. My life changed when I read her book. I no longer felt alone. My life made sense, finally!
I have many different stims I do, some are body stims, some are visual stims, some are motion stims, some are aural stims. I have been doing many of them my entire life. I learnt to hide my stims as I got older so when I first realised I was Autistic I had trouble trying to recognise if I stimmed at all. Now, I can see many things I do which are stims but are fairly hidden, most of the time. I am unlearning to hide them, to embrace them and do them when I need to.
I spent so much time analysing myself and wondering why I was so different. I worked so hard to improve myself and trying to be more aware of my limits so I could grow and improve myself. Yet I always fell short. I was so aware of the gap between myself and others. So aware of how much I struggled to do everyday things which seemed so effortless for others to do, yet difficult for me. I turned inwards on myself. Hating myself for how I was. Hating the fact I couldn't cope with things others could do. Hating the fact I always struggled to connect with people. I had very little confidence in myself and who I was. I was in a dark place. My diagnosis changed this. I began a journey of understanding, self awareness and self-acceptance. My diagnosis changed my life for the better.
I have been very open about my diagnosis with the people in my life, choosing to use my diagnosis as a way of helping others understand me. This often backfires unfortunately. People sometimes assume I'm using my diagnosis as an excuse for my supposedly bad and avoidant behaviour. What they don't realise is I was like this before my diagnosis. I'm diagnosed now and I finally understand myself. I have the knowledge to work out ways of helping myself to cope better and language to articulate myself to others. Self-acceptance has played a huge part in me being able to move forward as a whole, yet imperfect person.
The idea that I'm using my diagnosis as an excuse is irrelevant now. I realise just how much Autism coloured my life was prior to me even realising it.
I and other Autistic people need people to understand this. We don't need people assuming we are using our diagnosis as an excuse for our differences and behaviour. We need acceptance. We need understanding. We need support. The diagnosis and new understanding of oneself is an explanation, not an excuse.
I am aware some people may use Autism as an excuse for their behaviour but they don't need judgement. They need understanding. Perhaps they don't know how to cope better and need support for figuring out a better way. Perhaps they find change hard and overwhelming. Whatever the reason, telling an already vulnerable person who has likely spent years feeling alienated and different to stop using their diagnosis as an excuse is not supportive or empathetic at all.
When people tell me I am using Autism as an excuse or I need to try harder to overcome my disability, they don’t realise how ignorant they sound and how hard I have worked to become the person I am today and to cope as well as I do. It’s can be quite insulting and undermining to someone on their label acceptance journey but I believe a little understanding can go a long way.
Sunday, 15 February 2015
Last year: Burnout
I have been thinking more about what was going on in my head last year and how I was in shut-down almost all of the time. I refer to this post here.
I remember reading about things others were sharing about their daily lives on Facebook or hear others plans in day to day conversation. I would feel anxious and overwhelmed just reading about it or hearing about it. I would then start comparing my life to theirs without even realizing. Then I would end up feeling useless and like a failure at living and managing my life.
My thought process was 'I don't even know how to do that (whatever it was). I don't know how to do anything more than what I'm currently,' doing which wasn't much. I felt like a failure as a result. I didn't even try after awhile as it was too upsetting and depressing.
My brain felt like it was in a fog of overwhelm almost constantly. I couldn't think clearly or figure out how to do things, even simple things. I'd look at 'how-to's' and think 'huh? How? I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to figure out how to do that and the steps involved to get there.' My executive function was terribly impaired.
I was hyper sensitive to everything and perceived everything to be either a threat or judgement. I had trouble with letting things go, over thinking or perseverating on whatever it was.
Due to the fact that I was already very overwhelmed by trying to manage the bare minimum of daily life when anything unexpected came up it rendered me inert, anxious, stressed and struggling to figure out to deal with it. My EF issues made it really difficult.
For example when we found that out that my son had nits I instantly felt exhausted by the fact that I knew I had to sort it out somehow and that it meant I needed to change my routine (only thing keeping me somewhat stable and able to keep going) and go out of my comfort zone, to get the things we needed to deal with it. I just wanted it to go away on it's own so I could go back to resting and not dealing with anything outside of my very small comfort zone. Change is hard for me when I'm at my best. It's almost impossible when I'm at my worst which was the case for most of last year. Somehow I managed to gather energy and adjust to the change and we dealt with it. I would not have been able to manage without my husband who ended up doing most of it. He bought the nit shampoo as I was not up to leaving the comfort and safety of my home. He bathed and shampooed my son. We did each other's hair. I did all the washing and changing of bedding and towels. That was what stressed me out the most, the fact that we had to change bedding mid-week which is not my normal routine. I did not know if I had the energy to run around changing all the bedding and washing it. I managed though, somehow. I usually do washing of bedding and towels on weekends when I feel more rested and Atrus is home to help out with things. It takes the pressure off and the change in pace from the busyness of the week helps.
The above is one example of how difficult any change and anything outside of my comfort zone was to deal with. I felt the same way each time something new and unexpected happened. The same process happened each time.
All I wanted to do was be left alone so I could rest and recover in peace. I viewed anything outside my comfort zone or anything unexpected that came up as invasive and unwelcome. I did not have the energy or brain space to deal with it. Even doing the bare minimum was very overwhelming for me and required a lot of energy for me to think about doing and then actually do. Which is called inertia.
Daily living was challenging enough. I barely cooked last year because of EF issues and not enough brain space to process how to do it. I remember looking at recipes and feeling overwhelmed. I couldn't figure out how to do all the little steps and often did not have the energy to do it. Cleaning was in the too hard basket most of the time. Thankfully I have a cleaner through respite who does the basics which really helped keep the mess from getting out of control. Atrus helped out a lot with cooking and cleaning too. I do not know what I would have done without either of them.
Another example I can think of regarding my executive function is a packet of glitter stars which I found in the bathroom cupboard tucked away at the back just recently. The packet was open and spilling glitter stars everywhere. I remember making a calm down glitter bottle more than a year ago for my son and I. I had no idea what to do with the glitter packets and how to stop the glitter going everywhere so I just left it at the back of the cupboard and forgot about it. It brought back memories of how bad things were for me and how incapable I was of doing the simplest of things. Now that I'm in a better frame I can easily figure out how to deal with it. I put it in a mini resealable bag and its sorted.
There are many painful reminders around the house of a similar nature where I have not known how to deal with it and just left it. I'm coping better so I'm starting to organise the chaos and set up systems to minimize chaos and clutter. It's going to take time because I've been in shut down for a number of years and everything has really gotten out of control. Step by step I will work on the clutter and organise it better.
I have been in this overwhelmed shut-down since my son was born, nearly 4 years ago.
I found (and still find) Facebook incredibly overwhelming and stressful a lot of the time. I tried to manage my usage and limit what I used it for. I didn't want to give it up completely as I would have had no contact with any of my online friends and even less support. I would have been even more isolated.
When I vented about how much I was struggling on my own profile, it ended up being even more overwhelming and stressful a lot of the time. Others would suggest things to try as a way of fixing whatever the issue was. That was unhelpful and unsupportive for me at the time. I understood that they were trying to help. It was not what I needed. It added to my level of overwhelm and anxiety. I was at a point of frustration at not being able to do whatever it was and was trying to explain why it was so hard. Most people didn't get it. What I needed to hear was 'I hear you. I'm sorry it's so hard. Sounds like you need a break and to do self-care.'
No one said that to me though. I did not have the brain space to process what else to do to help me rest and find my calm. I ended up stuck in this state, unable to figure out what to do. It was a vicious cycle of not wanting to feel completely isolated, reaching out on Facebook and sharing my struggles only to be even more overwhelmed by ALL the 'too much for me to process suggestions.' I ended up using up more energy trying to explain myself over and over to people who I didn't owe an explanation which further wore me out. I did not have the brain space to think to myself 'venting on Facebook isn't helping me for these reasons, perhaps it's better if I did xyz instead.' I did not know how to listen to my inner voice and work out how to do what was best for me. I was not in the frame of mind to think to do that. I did not have a therapist or someone with more life experience to advise me on how to cope and to help me get out of that stuck state by giving me small non-overwhelming steps for how to get out of that stuck state. I likely wouldn't have thought to say anything if I did have a counselor because I was too overwhelmed and in shut down to realise that venting on Facebook wasn't helping me.
Thinking back to that time it is clear to me that I had regressed a lot. I simply could not process anymore information. I had experienced too much stress and trauma the previous 3 years and was at my limit. It has taken several months of letting go of everything and resting to get to the place where I'm at now.
Towards the end of last year things slowly started improving for me. I started seeing a fantastic counselor, I got more respite support, and I had a 9 day break at home from the rush of the normal routine (my husband and son went away to visit my in-laws for 10 days). The change in pace and time to rest, let go and not have to worry about keeping up with the day to day, really helped me to recover to a place where I felt a lot less overwhelmed.
My husband had 3 weeks off over the end of the year which was also instrumental in my recovery. The change in pace, having him home full time and being able to do things at a pace which suited us hugely helped me to not feel so much pressure to keep up with everything and to rest.
It has been a gradual improvement, over time.
Things have improved a lot for me recently. I can think of several reasons why. More support, therapy, validation, listening to my inner voice, managing my energy extremely carefully, taking medication and vitamin supplements, eating healthy as best I can manage, letting go of what is not important and draining of my energy, managing my thoughts, change in mindset, lots of rest, relaxation, exercise and self-care. I have started little doable creative projects to use to inspire myself when I'm feeling triggered, anxious or feeling my moods get out of control.
I remember reading about things others were sharing about their daily lives on Facebook or hear others plans in day to day conversation. I would feel anxious and overwhelmed just reading about it or hearing about it. I would then start comparing my life to theirs without even realizing. Then I would end up feeling useless and like a failure at living and managing my life.
My thought process was 'I don't even know how to do that (whatever it was). I don't know how to do anything more than what I'm currently,' doing which wasn't much. I felt like a failure as a result. I didn't even try after awhile as it was too upsetting and depressing.
My brain felt like it was in a fog of overwhelm almost constantly. I couldn't think clearly or figure out how to do things, even simple things. I'd look at 'how-to's' and think 'huh? How? I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to figure out how to do that and the steps involved to get there.' My executive function was terribly impaired.
I was hyper sensitive to everything and perceived everything to be either a threat or judgement. I had trouble with letting things go, over thinking or perseverating on whatever it was.
Due to the fact that I was already very overwhelmed by trying to manage the bare minimum of daily life when anything unexpected came up it rendered me inert, anxious, stressed and struggling to figure out to deal with it. My EF issues made it really difficult.
For example when we found that out that my son had nits I instantly felt exhausted by the fact that I knew I had to sort it out somehow and that it meant I needed to change my routine (only thing keeping me somewhat stable and able to keep going) and go out of my comfort zone, to get the things we needed to deal with it. I just wanted it to go away on it's own so I could go back to resting and not dealing with anything outside of my very small comfort zone. Change is hard for me when I'm at my best. It's almost impossible when I'm at my worst which was the case for most of last year. Somehow I managed to gather energy and adjust to the change and we dealt with it. I would not have been able to manage without my husband who ended up doing most of it. He bought the nit shampoo as I was not up to leaving the comfort and safety of my home. He bathed and shampooed my son. We did each other's hair. I did all the washing and changing of bedding and towels. That was what stressed me out the most, the fact that we had to change bedding mid-week which is not my normal routine. I did not know if I had the energy to run around changing all the bedding and washing it. I managed though, somehow. I usually do washing of bedding and towels on weekends when I feel more rested and Atrus is home to help out with things. It takes the pressure off and the change in pace from the busyness of the week helps.
The above is one example of how difficult any change and anything outside of my comfort zone was to deal with. I felt the same way each time something new and unexpected happened. The same process happened each time.
All I wanted to do was be left alone so I could rest and recover in peace. I viewed anything outside my comfort zone or anything unexpected that came up as invasive and unwelcome. I did not have the energy or brain space to deal with it. Even doing the bare minimum was very overwhelming for me and required a lot of energy for me to think about doing and then actually do. Which is called inertia.
Daily living was challenging enough. I barely cooked last year because of EF issues and not enough brain space to process how to do it. I remember looking at recipes and feeling overwhelmed. I couldn't figure out how to do all the little steps and often did not have the energy to do it. Cleaning was in the too hard basket most of the time. Thankfully I have a cleaner through respite who does the basics which really helped keep the mess from getting out of control. Atrus helped out a lot with cooking and cleaning too. I do not know what I would have done without either of them.
Another example I can think of regarding my executive function is a packet of glitter stars which I found in the bathroom cupboard tucked away at the back just recently. The packet was open and spilling glitter stars everywhere. I remember making a calm down glitter bottle more than a year ago for my son and I. I had no idea what to do with the glitter packets and how to stop the glitter going everywhere so I just left it at the back of the cupboard and forgot about it. It brought back memories of how bad things were for me and how incapable I was of doing the simplest of things. Now that I'm in a better frame I can easily figure out how to deal with it. I put it in a mini resealable bag and its sorted.
There are many painful reminders around the house of a similar nature where I have not known how to deal with it and just left it. I'm coping better so I'm starting to organise the chaos and set up systems to minimize chaos and clutter. It's going to take time because I've been in shut down for a number of years and everything has really gotten out of control. Step by step I will work on the clutter and organise it better.
I have been in this overwhelmed shut-down since my son was born, nearly 4 years ago.
I found (and still find) Facebook incredibly overwhelming and stressful a lot of the time. I tried to manage my usage and limit what I used it for. I didn't want to give it up completely as I would have had no contact with any of my online friends and even less support. I would have been even more isolated.
When I vented about how much I was struggling on my own profile, it ended up being even more overwhelming and stressful a lot of the time. Others would suggest things to try as a way of fixing whatever the issue was. That was unhelpful and unsupportive for me at the time. I understood that they were trying to help. It was not what I needed. It added to my level of overwhelm and anxiety. I was at a point of frustration at not being able to do whatever it was and was trying to explain why it was so hard. Most people didn't get it. What I needed to hear was 'I hear you. I'm sorry it's so hard. Sounds like you need a break and to do self-care.'
No one said that to me though. I did not have the brain space to process what else to do to help me rest and find my calm. I ended up stuck in this state, unable to figure out what to do. It was a vicious cycle of not wanting to feel completely isolated, reaching out on Facebook and sharing my struggles only to be even more overwhelmed by ALL the 'too much for me to process suggestions.' I ended up using up more energy trying to explain myself over and over to people who I didn't owe an explanation which further wore me out. I did not have the brain space to think to myself 'venting on Facebook isn't helping me for these reasons, perhaps it's better if I did xyz instead.' I did not know how to listen to my inner voice and work out how to do what was best for me. I was not in the frame of mind to think to do that. I did not have a therapist or someone with more life experience to advise me on how to cope and to help me get out of that stuck state by giving me small non-overwhelming steps for how to get out of that stuck state. I likely wouldn't have thought to say anything if I did have a counselor because I was too overwhelmed and in shut down to realise that venting on Facebook wasn't helping me.
Thinking back to that time it is clear to me that I had regressed a lot. I simply could not process anymore information. I had experienced too much stress and trauma the previous 3 years and was at my limit. It has taken several months of letting go of everything and resting to get to the place where I'm at now.
Towards the end of last year things slowly started improving for me. I started seeing a fantastic counselor, I got more respite support, and I had a 9 day break at home from the rush of the normal routine (my husband and son went away to visit my in-laws for 10 days). The change in pace and time to rest, let go and not have to worry about keeping up with the day to day, really helped me to recover to a place where I felt a lot less overwhelmed.
My husband had 3 weeks off over the end of the year which was also instrumental in my recovery. The change in pace, having him home full time and being able to do things at a pace which suited us hugely helped me to not feel so much pressure to keep up with everything and to rest.
It has been a gradual improvement, over time.
Things have improved a lot for me recently. I can think of several reasons why. More support, therapy, validation, listening to my inner voice, managing my energy extremely carefully, taking medication and vitamin supplements, eating healthy as best I can manage, letting go of what is not important and draining of my energy, managing my thoughts, change in mindset, lots of rest, relaxation, exercise and self-care. I have started little doable creative projects to use to inspire myself when I'm feeling triggered, anxious or feeling my moods get out of control.
I'm learning to have fun again and really enjoy life. Something I almost forgot how to do for a long time.
I am determined not to let myself end up in such a dark, hopeless place again. I have made it my top priority to manage my energy and rest when I feel myself getting worn out. I am working on pacing myself better and not taking on anymore than I can manage.
Further reading:
Help! I seem to be getting more autistic.
Autistic burnout by Judy Endow.
I am determined not to let myself end up in such a dark, hopeless place again. I have made it my top priority to manage my energy and rest when I feel myself getting worn out. I am working on pacing myself better and not taking on anymore than I can manage.
Further reading:
Help! I seem to be getting more autistic.
Autistic burnout by Judy Endow.
Tuesday, 20 May 2014
Response to Toni Braxtion
This article came up on my news feed. It provoked some interesting discussion when I shared it. I got involved in the discussion on two of my friend's pages where they had shared the same article. This is my response to the article.
Autism is not a tragedy. My issue with this article is that because she's a celeb she's spouting ableist crap about autism and people who don't think critically and research about autism themselves with believe it and take it as gospel, because you know, a celebrity said it! This kind of rhetoric hurts the autism community. It divides us, adds to the hatred, exclusion and discrimination that many of us experience already. I do not agree with functioning labels either. I am what some would class as high functioning, but no one sees me at my worst and how often that happens. Most people only see a snapshot of me at my best and wrongly assume I'm always like that. I'm not. E.g. I can't drive due to dyspraxia and anxiety. I had a nervous breakdown last year. My son went to daycare almost full time as I need lots if solitude to recover. He now goes 3 days a week. I have meltdowns almost weekly, sometimes more than once a week. I don't work. My anxiety is quite high. I'm very sensitive and easily triggered. I have many times felt like a burden and that I'm useless. That is less now. I'm starting to get back on my feet and cope a bit better. I manage my sensory issues and anxiety as best I can. I've accepted that I will likely never be able to drive. I make an effort to focus on what I can do, rather than what I can't. If I continued to believe the many harmful messages I internalized growing up, undiagnosed I might add, I would easily fall in a heap and want to die. I don't though. I make an effort to be the change I want to see in the world. This is why I'm so disgusted that this very clearly ignorant woman would spout such harmful ableist crap for anyone to read. The ignorant (about ASD) masses will likely believe it and it further feeds negative stereotypes and adds to the us versus them language! Overall it's disgusting.
Further thoughts on functioning labels.
Further thoughts on functioning labels.
Low functioning means your strengths are ignored and your issues focused on. High functioning means your very real struggles are ignored and your strengths focused on. From Autism Women's Network.
I have been told my whole life how talented and capable I am. Due to my executive function issues, attention and concentration issues, my anxiety, my lower levels of energy it means I struggle to achieve what I've been led to believe I should be achieving. This meant I hated myself a lot for awhile. I don't any more. I get frustrated with the negative language used to describe us on the spectrum and point harmful language and attitudes when I see it.
I make an effort to parent my son (likely on the spectrum somewhere) differently and not tell him that because he's not doing xyz by a certain age that he's delayed and never will. I don't believe in timelines for children or adults to reach milestones or achieve things by. Some of us take longer to develop than others (me included) and that's okay.
I make an effort to parent my son (likely on the spectrum somewhere) differently and not tell him that because he's not doing xyz by a certain age that he's delayed and never will. I don't believe in timelines for children or adults to reach milestones or achieve things by. Some of us take longer to develop than others (me included) and that's okay.
I'm using myself as an example and what I've read in terms of a positive non-ableist view of ASD to help illustrate what I mean.
The real tragedy is the harmful ableist view mainstream media and a lot of people have (including many professionals) about ASD. They are missing out on really getting to know us and our potential. We may not fit in with their small idea of how person should behave, talk and interact/connect with others, but we do find our own path and ways of forming community and connection. There is no one way of being human.
I struggle with religion. I was raised religious, my father is a pastor. I saw a lot of hypocritical abusive crap behind the scenes. One thing I have learnt is that we are all hypocrites (myself) included. It is so important to think before we judge others and check that we ourselves do not have the same issue, only bigger. It says this clearly in the Bible. I will stand up and say something about injustice and harmful language, which this ridiculous article clearly is. Yes, there is freedom of speech but that does not mean that your opinion is right and helpful to others. This Toni woman clearly has very little understanding of what Autism really is, she has gotten her info from misguided organisations and individuals. The best people to educate people about autism are people on the spectrum, we have lived it! Others have not and can only assume what it is like.
The other issue I have in terms of the religious aspect of this article is the idea that God punishes us for our mistakes and choices. I do not agree with this at all. Yes, there is consequences for our choices, note, natural consequences. A bit like karma, I suppose. God is not up there looking out for people who make mistakes and bad choices to smite them. I do not believe in a God like that. That is hateful and harmful. I believe in a God that loves unconditionally and forgives. He is not hateful of us. He hates what many humans choose to do with their free choice, but he ultimately loves us. I feel sorry for Toni in terms of how much self-hate she has towards herself and her choices because of her religious view. The self-flagellation will only serve to hurt her and her son.
I have read ridiculous harmful crap written by religious people spouting that those who are depressed and/or mentally ill are not praying enough, do not have a close enough relationship with God, are not Christian enough. I cannot stand that attitude, the you are not good enough, pull yourself up by your boot straps crap. It is so out-dated, harmful and self-hating. This is a lot of why I have walked away from religion. I am too fragile and easily triggered by this harmful thinking. I am on my own spiritual journey with God.
The real tragedy is the harmful ableist view mainstream media and a lot of people have (including many professionals) about ASD. They are missing out on really getting to know us and our potential. We may not fit in with their small idea of how person should behave, talk and interact/connect with others, but we do find our own path and ways of forming community and connection. There is no one way of being human.
I struggle with religion. I was raised religious, my father is a pastor. I saw a lot of hypocritical abusive crap behind the scenes. One thing I have learnt is that we are all hypocrites (myself) included. It is so important to think before we judge others and check that we ourselves do not have the same issue, only bigger. It says this clearly in the Bible. I will stand up and say something about injustice and harmful language, which this ridiculous article clearly is. Yes, there is freedom of speech but that does not mean that your opinion is right and helpful to others. This Toni woman clearly has very little understanding of what Autism really is, she has gotten her info from misguided organisations and individuals. The best people to educate people about autism are people on the spectrum, we have lived it! Others have not and can only assume what it is like.
The other issue I have in terms of the religious aspect of this article is the idea that God punishes us for our mistakes and choices. I do not agree with this at all. Yes, there is consequences for our choices, note, natural consequences. A bit like karma, I suppose. God is not up there looking out for people who make mistakes and bad choices to smite them. I do not believe in a God like that. That is hateful and harmful. I believe in a God that loves unconditionally and forgives. He is not hateful of us. He hates what many humans choose to do with their free choice, but he ultimately loves us. I feel sorry for Toni in terms of how much self-hate she has towards herself and her choices because of her religious view. The self-flagellation will only serve to hurt her and her son.
I have read ridiculous harmful crap written by religious people spouting that those who are depressed and/or mentally ill are not praying enough, do not have a close enough relationship with God, are not Christian enough. I cannot stand that attitude, the you are not good enough, pull yourself up by your boot straps crap. It is so out-dated, harmful and self-hating. This is a lot of why I have walked away from religion. I am too fragile and easily triggered by this harmful thinking. I am on my own spiritual journey with God.
Further reading:
Saturday, 10 May 2014
Contentment with Neurodiversity
I wrote this poem a few weeks ago after I had a traumatic experience with a professional I am seeing. It was not intended to be traumatic, it is just how it happened and how sensitive/fragile I am. It stemmed from a clashing of views about pathologising from the professional and neurodiversity (my view).
Contentment with Neurodiversity.
I'm actually quite happy
living my life
in a way which suits me
I don't need a box
to fit me in, to hold me
I've often been told
to change who I am
to fit in
to stop being me
to be another
who ticks off the right boxes
I'm actually quite happy
being imperfect me
I don't need a set of boxes
to tick off
to hold me captive
to mould me into another creature
I know who I am
I am quite aware
of my limits and differences
that set me apart
I like it that way
it is who I am
who I've come to accept and love
I've tried being normal
whatever that means
it made my brain hurt
I wanted to die
I had no hope
then I found out
there's a reason I'm me
a reason I do things
the way that I do
relief and hope fills me
I am not alone
in being this way
there are many others
I connect and learn
all that I can
form many friendships
learn from others
lead others
encourage others
I'm neurodiverse
I like it that way
I don't need fixing
I am not broken
I am who I am
I like who I am
finally, at long last.
Further reading:
Throwing away the Master's tools: Liberating ourselves from the pathology paradigm by Nick Walker.
Neurotypical psychotherapists and neurodiverse clients. by Nick Walker.
Contentment with Neurodiversity.
I'm actually quite happy
living my life
in a way which suits me
I don't need a box
to fit me in, to hold me
I've often been told
to change who I am
to fit in
to stop being me
to be another
who ticks off the right boxes
I'm actually quite happy
being imperfect me
I don't need a set of boxes
to tick off
to hold me captive
to mould me into another creature
I know who I am
I am quite aware
of my limits and differences
that set me apart
I like it that way
it is who I am
who I've come to accept and love
I've tried being normal
whatever that means
it made my brain hurt
I wanted to die
I had no hope
then I found out
there's a reason I'm me
a reason I do things
the way that I do
relief and hope fills me
I am not alone
in being this way
there are many others
I connect and learn
all that I can
form many friendships
learn from others
lead others
encourage others
I'm neurodiverse
I like it that way
I don't need fixing
I am not broken
I am who I am
I like who I am
finally, at long last.
Kerrilynn Harris (c) 2014
Further reading:
Throwing away the Master's tools: Liberating ourselves from the pathology paradigm by Nick Walker.
Neurotypical psychotherapists and neurodiverse clients. by Nick Walker.
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