Fear of living

For a long time I have had a fear of living my life. I have always had a lot of fears since I can remember as a very young child. These have changed as I got older. 

I experienced this feeling that I didn't deserve to have a happy, fulfilling life, I believed it was for everyone else. I don't know where I got this idea from. I have felt this way for most of my life, it got worse as I got older and noticed that most other people were very driven and all about appearing successful in life. I thought I had to do xyz before I could really live and be happy. I kept trying to be what I thought was successful, kept pushing myself, would get overwhelmed and worn out. I would beat myself up for not being able to manage as well as others seemed to. I withdrew a lot after I was married for a few reasons regarding how I was treated by some family members. I had my degree as was expected of me, I was married as was expected of me, then I thought now what? I didn't know how to live or what to do with myself. I had this feeling that I didn't deserve to really live or be happy so I hid myself away from the world because it was so overwhelming and difficult to navigate. I did not understand myself, I was not diagnosed, I had little self-awareness or understanding of myself. I felt isolated and disconnected. I had friends but it didn't seem real and I didn't believe they really liked me or that I had much to offer in friendships. I had very low confidence, self-esteem, hated myself, thought I was not intelligent and thought I was a failure at life. I knew I was different to most other people due to my difficulties but did not know why. I turned this onto myself. I believed I was defective. Nothing felt real, for a long time. I was very depressed and anxious. It was a horrible place to be.

My diagnosis was a relief and changed how I viewed myself. 

Due to all of this working against me until recently, I have not felt I have really enjoyed living or allowed myself to live and be happy until recently. I look back on my life, the person I was and feel sad for the lost opportunities, friendships, and happiness.

I look at my life now and cannot believe how different it is, how different I am, how much I have changed and grown. I do not see myself as I used to at all, as defective, broken, and a failure. I am working on accepting myself as I am and being at peace with the journey I am on. I made a decision recently to really live my life, to enjoy it, to make the most of life and not be afraid to live. It feels good. I feel so much happier than I have ever been. The fear of living and the feeling that I don't deserve to be happy creeps back from time to time but it does not have power over me like it used to. I am looking forward to making the most of my life, living my life in a way that suits me, instead of living in fear. 

Writing process

My writing process.

I think of an idea. Inspiration comes to me in all sorts of places and situations. I start writing notes and thoughts about the idea. Ideas come swift and quickly. It can be overwhelming as I find it difficult to write fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. I have an intense need to write and get all my of ideas out in words to refer to later when I am at the idea phase. I usually type one handed on my phone to write all my ideas out, it is what I find easiest to do, especially if I am in the midst of other stuff I am trying to deal as well. It helps to have a portable way to record my ideas. I find it easier than physical writing with pen and paper. I forget to carry pen and paper around with me. It can be tiresome typying one handed though. I have written almost entire blog posts one handed on my phone because I was in not in a place to use my computer. I hate interruptions when I am at this phase of my writing as interruptions throw me off my momentum of thoughts and I lose ideas to add to my writing. It is frustrating, but that is my life as a Mother. I do my best despite my life situation.

Once I start writing about my idea, it always turns into a far more complex piece of writing than I anticipated. Ideas and connections come in layers and layers of thoughts. It is difficult for me to keep my writing succinct and to the point as I can see so many connections and ideas that work with my original idea in my mind. I need to give myself time to process my idea and think of ideas and memories that will add to my writing idea. I find I think of a lot of ideas as I go about my daily routine and I will add sentences and notes on my phone as I am doing housework or parenting. This means my original inspiration and motivation to write is lost once I have gotten back into the daily routine of life. It is hard to find that momentum for my original idea again after a few weeks. I am trying really hard to stick to my writing, am working on completing all my draft posts. Instead of writing new blog posts and never finishing them (except this one). I have 14 draft posts to date. I have printed my draft posts out to read over, proofread, edit and add more ideas/sentences. They are all in a folder which I work on when I can. I find myself getting stuck on words and finding the flow of my writing again. I find myself getting triggered, upset and anxious over what I am writing about, which wears me out and makes it difficult to keep writing. I find I can only write in short inspirational bursts, and then make time to complete writing what I started over time. If I don't get time to work on my blog posts I get frustrated because I don't think I am writing enough (blog post to come about this topic). I am trying to be kinder to myself and write in a way which best for me and not worry if I am writing enough. In time there will be more blog posts to read of all the ideas I am working on. Stay tuned, more to come.