Saturday, 4 April 2015

Fear of living

For a long time I have had a fear of living my life. I have always had a lot of fears since I can remember as a very young child. These have changed as I got older. 

I experienced this feeling that I didn't deserve to have a happy, fulfilling life, I believed it was for everyone else. I don't know where I got this idea from. I have felt this way for most of my life, it got worse as I got older and noticed that most other people were very driven and all about appearing successful in life. I thought I had to do xyz before I could really live and be happy. I kept trying to be what I thought was successful, kept pushing myself, would get overwhelmed and worn out. I would beat myself up for not being able to manage as well as others seemed to. I withdrew a lot after I was married for a few reasons regarding how I was treated by some family members. I had my degree as was expected of me, I was married as was expected of me, then I thought now what? I didn't know how to live or what to do with myself. I had this feeling that I didn't deserve to really live or be happy so I hid myself away from the world because it was so overwhelming and difficult to navigate. I did not understand myself, I was not diagnosed, I had little self-awareness or understanding of myself. I felt isolated and disconnected. I had friends but it didn't seem real and I didn't believe they really liked me or that I had much to offer in friendships. I had very low confidence, self-esteem, hated myself, thought I was not intelligent and thought I was a failure at life. I knew I was different to most other people due to my difficulties but did not know why. I turned this onto myself. I believed I was defective. Nothing felt real, for a long time. I was very depressed and anxious. It was a horrible place to be.

My diagnosis was a relief and changed how I viewed myself

Due to all of this working against me until recently, I have not felt I have really enjoyed living or allowed myself to live and be happy until recently. I look back on my life, the person I was and feel sad for the lost opportunities, friendships, and happiness.

I look at my life now and cannot believe how different it is, how different I am, how much I have changed and grown. I do not see myself as I used to at all, as defective, broken, and a failure. I am working on accepting myself as I am and being at peace with the journey I am on. I made a decision recently to really live my life, to enjoy it, to make the most of life and not be afraid to live. It feels good. I feel so much happier than I have ever been. The fear of living and the feeling that I don't deserve to be happy creeps back from time to time but it does not have power over me like it used to. I am looking forward to making the most of my life, living my life in a way that suits me, instead of living in fear.