Tuesday, 18 October 2016

Time blindness

I recently discovered a new term: time blindness. It perfectly describes my struggles with time management. My husband Atrus has similar struggles with time management too, we do compliment each other somewhat so it balances out a little.

I have time blindness. I lose track of time so easily. The pressure of adhering and following time causes me a lot of stress and anxiety. I really would prefer to live my life free of clocks, time and do things at my pace and when I can.

I have worked hard to figure out ways to cope with time blindness and am getting better at being on time. I realise I need a lot of time where I don't have anything scheduled or planned so I can cope with the times there is a lot more pressure on me. My anxiety is too severe and I get too worn out by having to constantly cope with outside pressures on me. I need uninterrupted down time to lose track of time as a rest period. I cope a lot better with time management when I have these times regularly.
I hugely struggle with time management. I have severe anxiety, asd, ADHD, depression and PTSD. I have always struggled to be on time, all my life. I have a love/hate relationship with time as it makes no sense to me to live by man made time rules. I find time confusing and stressful. I have no context of time when I don't have a clock or watch with me. I can't estimate how long things take. I do not wear a watch because having the time with me all the time causes me huge anxiety and I feel far too much pressure (too much pressure and performance anxiety means I fall apart with anxiety and crying if there is too much then nothing gets done and I have no more energy to get myself to whatever I'm trying to get to).

When I'm in the zone of getting ready, time ceases to exist as I'm so focused on getting ready and can get so easily distracted by things that need doing and I get obsessive about getting everything done before I leave the house. I hate leaving the kitchen in a mess (I'm getting better at letting the mess go and prioritizing being there on time). I have recently changed all our clocks to 10-15 min fast and then aim to leave 10-15 min before the time I need to be there on the 15 min fast clock which really means 30 mins earlier and I am finally having success in being on time to things. I have reminders on my phone for everything too, which helps. It's taken me till this year to mostly be on time. I don't work due to disability so that isn't an issue for me but I have been late to appointments or missed public transport because I under-estimated how long it would take me to get ready and how long it would take me to walk to wherever I need to (I don't drive due to anxiety). I'd arrive late, in tears and have a major anxiety attack in public (horrible and embarrassing experiences). I majorly struggle with executive function (dysfunction in my case) which is planning, organisation and making things happen. I am slowly improving with time management and being on time. It's important to me and I always feel like such a failure in life and a crappy person every time I'm late. I tend to beat myself up about it a lot and get depressed and anxious about it. But I'm trying so hard to find ways of being on time that work for me and being heaps kinder to myself about it when I am late (the lateness is happening a lot less). I'm learning.

I'm over 30 and a parent so it's been a life long learning curve for me to manage my time better.

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