Saturday 5 October 2019

Boundaries, my identity and trauma

I wasn't allowed boundaries growing up. I had no control over what happened to me growing up. I had no choice but to follow what adults said. If I said no I didn't want to do xyz. I was told I had to do it, I had no choice, everyone else had to do it, I had to do it and should be able to do it, like everyone else. I disassociated a lot due to this. It was the only way I could cope with being pushed to do things I was not able to cope with. Note: I am not talking about abuse necessarily. I am talking about things I was forced to do which I was not comfortable with or ready for. Although I did experience verbal and emotional abuse growing up, which definitely factors into my ideas about boundaries. I have had a lifetime of being pushed to do things I am not ready for or comfortable with. It was soul destroying. I had no say and saying no meant nothing. I am naturally very strong willed and know myself so I knew my limits and I would make a big fuss about having to do something I did not like or wasn't comfortable with, but this was seen by adults in my life as defiant, naughty behaviour so I was told to shut up and behave, more or less. I often felt like I was screaming internally and no one noticed. It was so incredibly frustrating! It meant I had no boundaries and people walked all over me, doing, saying whatever they liked to me and I would smile sweetly and put up with it. It was horrible! I hated myself for it. I didn't even know I was allowed to have boundaries, to say no, to avoid interaction with a person who was mean to me. This meant I got into all sorts of painful, stressful, upsetting and difficult situations with other people and I had no way out of it. I didn't know how to stand up for myself. I was too worried about hurting the other person's feelings or offending them to make a stand and say No! 

I have had to learn boundaries as an adult. It has been very difficult and painful for me. I had some awful experiences with others where I ended up being treated horribly because I was too afraid to put up boundaries. I was too afraid because I didn't want to offend them or upset them, yet there they were happily hurting me without any care or empathy for what their terrible behaviour was putting me through.

I'm getting better at setting boundaries now. I used to think I had to put up with anything anyone did or said to me. I thought not putting up with it was being respectful of them but it wasn't. It was being disrespectful of my well being. They were being disrespectful to me.

I also thought I had to take on anything anyone said about me, good or bad. I believed what they said was truth. I didn't question it. It was really detrimental to my well being and mental health. I lost my sense of self on and off for a long time. I would cycle through being strong in my sense of self, then some rude, mean person would come along and say something horrible and I would believe it, spiral out of control into self-doubt, beat myself up and end up depressed, anxious and full of self hate because I believed this horrible person's crap. 

I am not like this anymore. It is a journey. I am unlearning all the toxic beliefs I have about boundaries. My interactions with others are usually healthier, happier and go a lot better. I am healing and growing into the person I am meant to be. I am much happier as a result. I do lean towards to the harsh end of boundaries as I need to keep myself safe while I am still vulnerable and learning to be strong within myself. The last thing I need is someone with a stronger personality trying to push me into things I am not ready for or interested in. 

Which leads me to another related issue I have trouble with.

I don't know my voice sometimes, and who I really am, my identity. My voice and identity gets lost and mixed up in the words, opinions and ideas of others. I need to spend time alone, thinking, creating, writing, processing life so I can separate what is me, and what is from others. Once I have had this alone time processing, I emerge as myself again, feeling a strong sense of self and ready to face the world.

 It's often difficult for me to find my voice and use it around other people. I struggle to find words to say, to know what is truly me and my opinion and what is not. When I am alone I have no trouble with my sense of self and opinions. Around others I feel wordless and powerless a lot of the time. It is difficult. I find being assertive difficult. It is a lot worse when I am depressed. I feel stuck then. I have since learnt this is a trauma response called fawn. I fawned a lot as a child to survive stressful and traumatic situations. It is what I do now as an adult in stressful situations. I am working on healing from this and getting stronger within myself.

It is an endless source of frustration for me. I know myself very well, and am very self-aware. Yet put me with a group of people and I lose myself, my identity. I am improving in my sense of self and making my identity stick when I am around others, but it is difficult. As I become more confident and heal from my trauma it will become easier, I hope.

I think it comes from years of having to forgo who I was and follow whatever an adult in charge said to do, say or be. This has conditioned me to have an auto response of defaulting to whatever others are doing/saying, when I am around them. I have learnt to work alone and do my own thing. I am happier having less involvement with others into my life and who I am anyway. I don't handle criticisms from others well. It is a trigger for my Complex PTSD.


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