I'm back from my hiatus.

Potential trigger warning for abuse and religion.

It has been 6 months since I last wrote in my blog. I have been going through a really difficult time the past 6 months. Lots of triggery crappy stuff happened. I had yet another professional treat me badly and try to bully me. It was a horrible and terrifying experience! My mental health issues got a lot worse and I had to go back on medication. I withdrew into my little cocoon and let go of a lot of things, including writing.  I was also falling into the comparison trap again, thinking I am not good enough because I am not doing all the things, then I started beating myself up about it and getting upset because I am not successful and able to live my dreams. It was upsetting and soul-destroying.  Everything got too much for me. So it was back to bare minimum mode in order to cope and survive. I did a lot of thinking, reading and learning in this time and I feel ready to do some writing again. 

Lots of past traumas came up in my hiatus from writing and I started to accept and realise that I have C-PTSD and need to do something about it to help myself. I am now in the process of being assessed for PTSD. It has been incredibly triggering for me to find the strength and courage to seek out yet another professional due to the horrific traumatic experiences I have been the victim of in the past due to abusive professionals. The abuse from a number of professionals has compounded my C-PTSD from my childhood and made it worse. It has taken me till a couple of months ago to come to terms with the C-PTSD, on some level I knew I have PTSD and have been doing reading about it for a couple of years, but it was only until a couple of months ago when everything was getting worse for me and so many things were triggering me that I started to really look into PTSD and start to process what PTSD meant for me. It was overwhelming as a lot of stuff came up as I started to really explore what PTSD meant for me. I chatted to a couple of friends about it online and discussed it in one of the fantastic autistic women's group I am. Talking about it with others really helped me start to accept and validate myself in terms of PTSD. I began to realise my struggles were much more than being Autistic. I worked up the courage to go and see a clinical psychologist who assesses for PTSD, it was triggering and difficult to do, but I did it. I am really glad I went to see this psychologist as they are really different to any other psychologist I have been to. They are very respectful, meet me where I am at and works with me. They appear to have no agenda either. It is a relief after all the crap I have been through with previous crappy and abusive professionals. I just had my second session with them and am due for another in 2 weeks time.

For so long I have beat myself up over a lot of traumatic stuff that has happened to me and blamed myself for it. In fact I recently realised that really struggle not to blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life or interactions with others. I realised I have been blamed a lot in my life when I was growing up, everything that went wrong in my family or with my siblings was pretty much seen as my fault, by my parents or siblings. I was the scape goat. My Mum recently told me about my Dad picking on me when I was growing up, he was much harder on me than my two younger siblings. I don't remember this, but it obviously affected me a lot. I am now dealing with the after-effects of past abuse and constant blame from others. My default reaction is to blame myself for everything when it goes wrong. I am working on trying not to blame myself so much and let go of things which are not my issue, but it is a real challenge for me. The blame on myself has led to me internalising a lot of crap from others which I didn't need to take on. I can see this has added to my anxiety in a severe debilitating way. I really struggle with interactions with other people now because I tend to pick up on the slightest vibe that something might be wrong and start trying to figure out what I have done wrong. I used to try and fix it but it often made things worse. I ended up being a doormat putting up with whatever abuse came my way from others and had no way of being able to say no or stop. It was terrifying because I felt trapped in those situations. Being raised a Christian I took the Bible verses about turning the other cheek, the Golden rule and heaping coals of fire on one's enemies head very literally. I thought I had to be super nice, caring, kind and mean people would leave me alone or it would somehow turn them nice towards me. What a load of utter crap! It never did, instead it left me an easy target open to any type of abuse, which was horrible and confusing because I kept trying to practice these verses with no success. It is now really hard for me to know when I have really done something wrong or if I am taking on someone else's issues which are not mine and making it into my issue, then trying to fix the problem in the relationship or friendship. This led to me struggling with boundaries. I never knew I could say no to things, I thought I had to accept everything others said or did without question and just go along with it because I never knew I had any say. It was only recently I learnt that I was able to say no and not feel bad about or blaming myself for saying no. I am improving with boundaries, in particular on-line. 

I have recently unfriended a few people from my past for being rude and disrespecting of my boundaries. It was very difficult for me to do and the experiences were very triggering, but I did it and I feel so much better and safer on my profile. I am really proud of myself for setting boundaries and sticking to them. I realised that being able to set boundaries and practice being assertive on-line in written form is a lot easier for me to begin with as it is easier for me to process what is happening in real time. I struggle to process verbal input which means it takes me longer to process it and figure out what is really being said. I can so easily be taken advantage of in real life verbal social interactions. When I am on-line I have the safety of being in my own home and can so easily walk away from my computer or phone and do something else, leaving the difficult triggering situation to fester away on it's own allowing me the time I need to process how I feel about it, figure out what my boundaries are and what I need to write in response. I do not get this option when I am interacting with people face to face verbally. The pressure to respond and keep the flow of conversation going becomes too much in those situations and I am unable to allow myself the time I need to process and respond as I need to. I can so easily end up trapped in a situation I do not want to be in, unable to get the words out that I need to in order to put up boundaries and get away. Those situations are terrifying for me. I am hugely grateful for on-line socialising as it helps me learn about boundaries and practice being assertive in a way and at a pace which suits me. 

[Image is on a dark purple background with a rainbow winged cicada in the right hand corner with the words 'Resplendently Autistic' underneath it.

It has the text 'I have realised I need to be harsh about what I tolerate in my life and remove myself from toxic, triggering people/situations because the detriment to my mental health is not worth it. The old me would have felt tremendous guilt about doing this, worrying about hurting the other person's feelings, but now I feel relief because I have the power to walk away and liberate myself from toxicity and triggering situations. It is a relief!

~ Kezza.' on it.

From the page: https://www.facebook.com/resplendentlyautistic ]

I have realised I need to be harsh about what I tolerate in my life and remove myself from toxic, triggering people/situations because the detriment to my mental health is not worth it. The old me would have felt tremendous guilt about doing this, worrying about hurting the other person's feelings, but now I feel relief because I have the power to walk away and liberate myself from toxicity and triggering situations. It is a relief! I no longer take on other people's crap and try to fix it, in the first moment I do because it is my default reaction, but when I think about it and analyse what I think/feel about it, I get angry or  feel hurt by yet another abusive triggering situation and need to keep myself safe by putting up boundaries. It is in that moment that I know I can walk away.

Last year: Burnout

I have been thinking more about what was going on in my head last year and how I was in shut-down almost all of the time. I refer to this post here.

I remember reading about things others were sharing about their daily lives on Facebook or hear others plans in day to day conversation. I would feel anxious and overwhelmed just reading about it or hearing about it. I would then start comparing my life to theirs without even realizing. Then I would end up feeling useless and like a failure at living and managing my life.

My thought process was 'I don't even know how to do that (whatever it was). I don't know how to do anything more than what I'm currently,' doing which wasn't much. I felt like a failure as a result. I didn't even try after awhile as it was too upsetting and depressing.

My brain felt like it was in a fog of overwhelm almost constantly. I couldn't think clearly or figure out how to do things, even simple things. I'd look at 'how-to's' and think 'huh? How? I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to figure out how to do that and the steps involved to get there.' My executive function was terribly impaired.

I was hyper sensitive to everything and perceived everything to be either a threat or judgement. I had trouble with letting things go, over thinking or perseverating on whatever it was.

Due to the fact that I was already very overwhelmed by trying to manage the bare minimum of daily life when anything unexpected came up it rendered me inert, anxious, stressed and struggling to figure out to deal with it. My EF issues made it really difficult.

For example when we found that out that my son had nits I instantly felt exhausted by the fact that I knew I had to sort it out somehow and that it meant I needed to change my routine (only thing keeping me somewhat stable and able to keep going) and go out of my comfort zone, to get the things we needed to deal with it. I just wanted it to go away on it's own so I could go back to resting and not dealing with anything outside of my very small comfort zone. Change is hard for me when I'm at my best. It's almost impossible when I'm at my worst which was the case for most of last year. Somehow I managed to gather energy and adjust to the change and we dealt with it. I would not have been able to manage without my husband who ended up doing most of it. He bought the nit shampoo as I was not up to leaving the comfort and safety of my home. He bathed and shampooed my son. We did each other's hair. I did all the washing and changing of bedding and towels. That was what stressed me out the most, the fact that we had to change bedding mid-week which is not my normal routine. I did not know if I had the energy to run around changing all the bedding and washing it. I managed though, somehow. I usually do washing of bedding and towels on weekends when I feel more rested and Atrus is home to help out with things. It takes the pressure off and the change in pace from the busyness of the week helps.

The above is one example of how difficult any change and anything outside of my comfort zone was to deal with. I felt the same way each time something new and unexpected happened. The same process happened each time.

All I wanted to do was be left alone so I could rest and recover in peace. I viewed anything outside my comfort zone or anything unexpected that came up as invasive and unwelcome. I did not have the energy or brain space to deal with it. Even doing the bare minimum was very overwhelming for me and required a lot of energy for me to think about doing and then actually do. Which is called inertia.

Daily living was challenging enough. I barely cooked last year because of EF issues and not enough brain space to process how to do it. I remember looking at recipes and feeling overwhelmed. I couldn't figure out how to do all the little steps and often did not have the energy to do it. Cleaning was in the too hard basket most of the time. Thankfully I have a cleaner through respite who does the basics which really helped keep the mess from getting out of control. Atrus helped out a lot with cooking and cleaning too. I do not know what I would have done without either of them.

Another example I can think of regarding my executive function is a packet of glitter stars which I found in the bathroom cupboard tucked away at the back just recently. The packet was open and spilling glitter stars everywhere. I remember making a calm down glitter bottle more than a year ago for my son and I. I had no idea what to do with the glitter packets and how to stop the glitter going everywhere so I just left it at the back of the cupboard and forgot about it. It brought back memories of how bad things were for me and how incapable I was of doing the simplest of things. Now that I'm in a better frame I can easily figure out how to deal with it. I put it in a mini resealable bag and its sorted.

There are many painful reminders around the house of a similar nature where I have not known how to deal with it and just left it. I'm coping better so I'm starting to organise the chaos and set up systems to minimize chaos and clutter. It's going to take time because I've been in shut down for a number of years and everything has really gotten out of control. Step by step I will work on the clutter and organise it better.

I have been in this overwhelmed shut-down since my son was born, nearly 4 years ago.

I found (and still find) Facebook incredibly overwhelming and stressful a lot of the time. I tried to manage my usage and limit what I used it for. I didn't want to give it up completely as I would have had no contact with any of my online friends and even less support. I would have been even more isolated.

When I vented about how much I was struggling on my own profile, it ended up being even more overwhelming and stressful a lot of the time. Others would suggest things to try as a way of fixing whatever the issue was. That was unhelpful and unsupportive for me at the time. I understood that they were trying to help. It was not what I needed. It added to my level of overwhelm and anxiety. I was at a point of frustration at not being able to do whatever it was and was trying to explain why it was so hard. Most people didn't get it. What I needed to hear was 'I hear you. I'm sorry it's so hard. Sounds like you need a break and to do self-care.'

No one said that to me though. I did not have the brain space to process what else to do to help me rest and find my calm. I ended up stuck in this state, unable to figure out what to do. It was a vicious cycle of not wanting to feel completely isolated, reaching out on Facebook and sharing my struggles only to be even more overwhelmed by ALL the 'too much for me to process suggestions.' I ended up using up more energy trying to explain myself over and over to people who I didn't owe an explanation which further wore me out. I did not have the brain space to think to myself 'venting on Facebook isn't helping me for these reasons, perhaps it's better if I did xyz instead.' I did not know how to listen to my inner voice and work out how to do what was best for me. I was not in the frame of mind to think to do that. I did not have a therapist or someone with more life experience to advise me on how to cope and to help me get out of that stuck state by giving me small non-overwhelming steps for how to get out of that stuck state. I likely wouldn't have thought to say anything if I did have a counselor because I was too overwhelmed and in shut down to realise that venting on Facebook wasn't helping me.

Thinking back to that time it is clear to me that I had regressed a lot. I simply could not process anymore information. I had experienced too much stress and trauma the previous 3 years and was at my limit. It has taken several months of letting go of everything and resting to get to the place where I'm at now.

Towards the end of last year things slowly started improving for me. I started seeing a fantastic counselor, I got more respite support,  and I had a 9 day break at home from the rush of the normal routine (my husband and son went away to visit my in-laws for 10 days). The change in pace and time to rest, let go and not have to worry about keeping up with the day to day, really helped me to recover to a place where I felt a lot less overwhelmed. 

My husband had 3 weeks off over the end of the year which was also instrumental in my recovery. The change in pace, having him home full time and being able to do things at a pace which suited us hugely helped me to not feel so much pressure to keep up with everything and to rest. 

It has been a gradual improvement, over time.

Things have improved a lot for me recently. I can think of several reasons why. More support, therapy, validation, listening to my inner voice, managing my energy extremely carefully, taking medication and vitamin supplements, eating healthy as best I can manage, letting go of what is not important and draining of my energy, managing my thoughts, change in mindset, lots of rest,  relaxation, exercise and self-care.  I have started little doable creative projects to use to inspire myself when I'm feeling triggered, anxious or feeling my moods get out of control.

I'm learning to have fun again and really enjoy life. Something I almost forgot how to do for a long time. 

I am determined not to let myself end up in such a dark, hopeless place again. I have made it my top priority to manage my energy and rest when I feel myself getting worn out. I am working on pacing myself better and not taking on anymore than I can manage.

Further reading:

Help! I seem to be getting more autistic.

Autistic burnout by Judy Endow.

Back from my break

I am finally in a place where I have space in my brain to write. My life is going a lot better than it has in a long time. I am coping so much better, for a number of reasons, more on that later.

This is my first post in many months, more than 6 months. I was not able to write for a long time. I wanted to write, but forming my thoughts into words was too difficult for me. I was in a dark place for most of last year, dis-associative, overwhelmed, depressed, highly anxious, feeling very unsupported and isolated. I felt useless and like a failure. I found it very difficult to face reality and interact with people, even my own family (son and husband). This was hard on them and I felt guilty about not being able to be there for them as much as I would like. It was a tough place to be. I felt so locked in myself a lot of the time. A number of events led to me falling apart and withdrawing into myself. First my psychologist abandoned me at a time I really needed extra support and left me in a bad way, this was a professional I had seen for well over a year and had come to trust and believe they had my best interests at heart. Unfortunately this was not the case. The impact of this person's actions was heartbreaking and devastating for me. I was already not coping very well, then to have this person's unprofessional behaviour added to it, it was too much. It was very traumatic for me and I am still healing from it, more than a year later. For a long time I did not realise the full impact of what had happened, it took me time to process it and realise how bad it really was. When I finally processed it fully that is when it really hit me. I was further traumatised as a result. I had real trouble validating myself and believing that it was really that bad, especially when no one else really understood or got it or validated me. 

Then when I dared to share my story about what happened in a couple of ASD women's groups due to others starting threads about this psychologist, I was shut down, threatened, and basically told it was my fault. This further traumatised me. It was extremely hurtful and upsetting. In this state I had to seek out another professional to re-diagnose me in order to be eligible for disability. It was so difficult to come out of myself and find a professional who had the right qualifications. I had no choice though as I knew I needed the support and respite that gaining disability would entitle me to. I went to see a psychiatrist, who gave me the diagnosis I needed. I got paperwork filled in to apply for disability and sent away for that. Thankfully I got it.

 I was traumatised by how the psychiatrist treated me. I felt very dehumanised and picked apart, it was traumatic and upsetting. In particular in one session, the final session. I will never forget how traumatic it was. Prior to that session, things had been okay and I had been somewhat oblivious to how badly he treated me. My Mum told he that he always stared at me the way he did this session but I had never noticed it. She came to sessions with me, thankfully. This particular day he gave me an extra dose of medication (the same that I was taking) on top of what I what I had already taken. The medication I was on takes effect within 5 to 10 minutes. After taking it, I became more aware than I had ever been. I noticed how intensely and scarily he looked at me. I felt he wanted me to give eye contact because I was on the medication so I did and it was incredibly painful and scary. I became more mute as time went on. I left the appointment and was shaking uncontrollably, I felt really emotional and upset. I rang and explained this to him. Due to the fact that I was already traumatised by my previous experience with a professional, I did not manage this well at all. I withdrew further into myself. I stopped seeing the psychiatrist as I was far too fragile and vulnerable. I had to in order to protect myself. When I got home from the appointment, I proceeded to have a two day meltdown where I was crying uncontrollably, feeling incredibly anxious and unsafe. I could not get his eyes out my mind, they were so intense, piercing and I felt like he was bearing into my soul. It was a terrifying experience. I became paranoid that he was out to get me for awhile after that. It took me 3 days to finally feel somewhat calm, and even then I was not sleeping well or able to manage daily life well. I thought about how he had spoken about me in all the sessions I went to him, like I was some sort of animal to be observed. He talked about my behaviours in this distanced observing way. That upset me even more. I felt incredibly vulnerable and scared that I was an easy target for abuse and to be taken advantage of and treated bady and not realise. I withdrew into myself and found interacting with people really hard. I did not want to be treated so badly ever again if I could help it.

Things got really bad for me after this. I felt incredibly alone and isolated. I felt like I was in a glass box and could see my life go by, but wasn't really living. It was all just passing by and I didn't really care. My husband was worried about me and sought out organising extra respite for me through local respites. He did all the paperwork as I was in no place to do so. It took awhile to hear back about it and I did not get support until late last year, around September. We applied around May. During that time I was struggling on my own with little support, it was really, really tough. 

A bit later on there were three upsetting and hurtful interactions online which further added to the pre-existing trauma I was going through. It was too much. That was the final straw for me. I withdrew into myself completely. I withdrew from Facebook and focused on managing my own issues and not letting anything else get into my little bubble. I focused on my own healing and recovery. The break was very good for me. It was about 6-7 weeks. I started to feel a little happy once again and that things in my life might get better. I started to have a little hope again.

During my facebook break I sought out another psychologist and had a couple of sessions with her. The first one was ok. The second one was horrible and upsetting. My need to repeat things lead to it not working out with this psychologist. She did not understand me which led to me perseverating verbally with her analyzing everything I said to mean something I didn't mean. It was frustrating and upsetting. It became a vicious cycle of me repeating myself and her analyzing me. Me trying to correct her and explain myself and her analyzing it to mean something else. I was in shutdown by the end of the appointment and felt she was treating me like a child. I left the appointment and ran to the toilet and cried, sobbed uncontrollably actually. It was awful. I never went back to see her. So unhelpful and unsupportive. That experience did not help me to feel safe seeking out the support of professionals, considering my previous experiences. I did not feel safe enough to trust them, let alone open up to one. 

Even my Dr was not entirely supportive of me, in particularly regarding what happened with my previous psychologist, the one who treated me so badly, that broke my trust. She said I needed to let it go and focus on living my life, which at that point and the state I was in, was impossible for me. I was in a super sensitive, highly anxious state, so any hint of invalidation and non-support would upset me and trigger me. I would withdraw further into myself, feeling even more unsupported and isolated. It was awful.

I hated my life a lot of last year, felt stuck, and didn't know how to improve things. I had almost no hope that things would ever get better and that really, really depressed me. Every time I tried to add one small thing to my life, it would be too much and I would end up a stressed and anxious mess about it. Then I would cry about it and feel really frustrated. This was a vicious cycle for most of last year. I gave up in the end and just watched TV shows, that was about all I could manage. I did some basic housework, but barely any cooking. Parenting was really difficult and exhausting. I often felt I was failing my son. I did the best I could with the little I could give to him. The mess and chaos in the house added to my overwhelm and I felt helpless to sort it out. I struggled to connect with people, I wanted to interact online but found that really difficult. I couldn't put my thoughts into words. I wanted to connect and interact, but the thought of trying to put everything into words was way too hard. So I didn't bother. This added to my feelings of isolation and that no one cared about me and what I was going through. 

Thankfully I had a couple of real life friends who were supportive of me during this time, as best as they could be as they have issues of their own going on. One of them came to my house and helped me organise and de-clutter my son's toys, my sewing area and set up my own little calm down/happy space in the shelves above my bed. I was truly grateful for their help and support. It means a lot to me. Those things helped me feel less overwhelmed by the chaos in the house. It helped me feel less stuck. It made a difference in my life.

My Mum suggested a narrative therapist counselor to me, whom I emailed. She was away for a period of time and could not see me till later in the year. That made it difficult as I knew I needed support right there and then. 

I had several Skype chat sessions throughout the second part of the year with a woman who offered to help mentor me, she was studying psychology so offered them for free. These helped me, but I still felt really isolated and struggled to really explain everything that was going on for me. I did try to and I think she understood that things were difficult for me. I don't know what I would have done if I had not been able to chat to her, even though I was not always able to put all my thoughts into words and explain the depth of my pain and trauma, just being able to talk about stuff and feel heard, helped me feel supported and not so isolated. 

I was going to this mental health centre and had sessions fortnightly for awhile with a social worker there. She was really supportive and understanding of what I was going through, particularly with what happened with my previous psychologist. I found it stressful and exhausting having to leave the house and catch public transport to get to sessions though. Towards the end of last year, there was a change in funding and ownership which meant she was no longer working there, so I stopped going. I didn't have a relationship with any of other other workers staying there so didn't bother, I had no more energy to keep going.

While I was without much support all this drama came up online regarding my previous psychologist and another writer. It was extremely triggering and upsetting for me. I had been going somewhat ok until it all came up online. In hindsight I should have taken a facebook break and let it go, but instead I got sucked in and hyper-focused on it. I was deeply disturbed and traumatised by how I saw this psychologist threaten legal action, gas-light and try to silence anyone who told the truth about her and shared their bad experiences. I have since learnt of many more people who have been treated really badly by her, which is a relief that it is not just me. Very sad that so many people have to suffer harm from one person. Through this difficult time, I withdrew again and ended up in a triggered, anxious vicious cycle state. It was awful. I was angry and frustrated that I had to deal with this crap again. Thankfully healing came from the experience as I was able to connect with others who had similar experiences, which helped me feel validated and not so alone. Being able to talk about my experiences and not be silenced, treated badly and told it was my fault really helped me start to properly heal. That was huge for me. For the first time I was able to talk freely about what happened to me and not be silenced, victim-blamed or threatened. It was a relief.

Towards the end of last year I started seeing the narrative therapist and the respite support came through, which meant I have a disability support worker who came to my house. Those two supports have been life-changing for me. They came a bit later than when I desperately needed support as by the time I started seeing them but at least I got the support I needed. Between their support and me managing my energy better, having stronger boundaries and not allowing myself to get sucked into other's issues, that has really, really helped me to get into a better head space. 

My counselor is amazing! She is incredibly supportive of my journey, very validating of my issues my story, and trauma. I have sent her these two articles (throwing away the Master's tools and neurotypical psychotherapists and neurodiverse clients) and she didn't bat an eye-lid. In fact she found them very helpful in her journey of understanding me and being able to help me. That is when I knew I had found a good counselor who would support me and help me learn to cope better in a way and at a pace that suited me.

I started taking a couple of amino acid supplements known to help anxiety, stress and depression. Those really helped me. I noticed a difference after a month or so of taking them. I felt more clear headed, less overwhelmed, less anxious and less stressed. I felt like I had space in my brain to take the time to notice my feelings, triggers, and thoughts and be mindful of them. This hugely helped me to stop myself from heading into a vicious cycle triggered downward spiral. That, combined with what I was working on with my counselor (Acceptance commitment therapy - ACT), helped me take control of my out of control thoughts and emotions.

Slowly things have improved. I am coping so much better this year. I am extremely careful about managing my energy and what I take on. I have very strict boundaries about my interactions with people and will not allow myself to get sucked into their drama or issues. Thankfully I have not had much issue with friendships this year and when there is an issue I am able to see it clearly for what it is and not let it get to me as much.

Having better support has made a massive difference in my ability to manage my life and my recovery journey. Feeling heard, validated, understood and respected has really helped me to cope better. It has helped to stop fighting so hard to get what I need. I feel I can relax now and actually enjoy my life, instead of getting stressed about every little thing that happens and worrying that I will be treated badly, invalidated, misunderstood or taken advantage of. 

Here is to a better year for me! I am looking forward to living it and not giving a fuck about anything but what I can manage.

Sensory Deprivation

When I was in high school I came across a book in the library quite by accident. I borrowed this book, it was called 'Wise Highs' by Alex J. Packer. It changed my life. I remember looking through it and coming across a section on sensory deprivation. I was intensely drawn to the idea of sensory deprivation. I longed to try it out, but did not have a wardrobe big enough and I couldn't figure out how else to do it with privacy with the rest of my family around. I put it away in my mind to refer to when I had a chance to try it out. Fast forward a couple of years and I'm in my first year of University. I'd left home for the first time. I was struggling to cope with all the changes, struggling to adapt and manage on my own. I had recently moved out of an abusive boarding situation into a house with other women my own age. The room I rented had a big roomy wardrobe. I remembered reading about sensory deprivation from 'Wise Highs,' and decided to set up the wardrobe as a sensory deprivation space. I got excited because now I was finally able to try it out for myself. I set myself up in my wardrobe with pillows, blankets and ear plugs. I forgot the world exists. I let go of everything. I let my mind drift and dream. It was a relief to hear and see nothing. To escape from the busyness of the world. It was very peaceful and calm. I stayed in my sensory deprivation space for a decent amount of time. I can't remember exactly how long. I emerged feeling peaceful and ready to face the world again.

Since that first time of trying sensory deprivation, I have set myself up a sensory deprivation chamber using various wardrobes wherever I have lived. I craved it. I longed for it. Since my diagnosis of Autism and fully understanding of myself, using sensory deprivation makes so much sense. I instinctively knew what I needed before I understood (I knew I was different, I just had no idea why) my neurology and did what was best for me. It helped me cope and face the world again many times. I am so grateful that I accidentally found 'Wise Highs' in my high school library all those years ago. I have now bought myself a copy of the book as it has other great stress relieving ideas.

I forgot all about sensory deprivation and the book after I became a mother. My mind became scattered and I regressed. I experienced burnout.
I am slowly regaining my sense of self and embracing who I am. I am starting to cope better, I am remembering things I used to do before I became a mother. I remembered my 'Wise highs,' book. I did remember a couple of years ago that I used to do sensory deprivation but I didn't fully comprehend it and couldn't bring it to the fore front of my mind in order to actually do it. I was too burnt out and inert then.
This afternoon after a busy week I was feeling particularly overwhelmed and overstimulated. I was trying to talk, trying to figure out what to do next, and I just couldn't do or speak that easily or well. Words were hard to get out. My husband Atrus could see I was struggling. He suggested I go and have some down time. I went and listened to a guided relaxation exercise which helped me feel a bit calmer but I could still hear a lot of noises over the top of the recording. I was anxious and stressed. I tried deep and slow breathing to calm my racing heart. I could not slow it down. I finished the relaxation exercise only mildly calmer than I when began.

While I was listening to the guided relaxation, I suddenly remembered doing sensory deprivation and my Wise Highs book. Soon after I had finished listening to my relaxation exercise, I looked through the book case for the book. I found it easily, thankfully. I read the section on sensory deprivation. I decided that I needed to set myself up a sensory deprivation space in our walk-in wardrobe, which I proceeded to do. I used my ear plugs, sleep mask, blankets and a pillow. I lay down, focusing on slowing my breathing and racing heart. It was so calm and peaceful. It was a relief to be free of the majority of noise and light. I let go. I rested. I forgot about time, expectations and responsibilities. Soon my heart stopped racing and I felt calm. I emerged 30 minutes or so later, feeling much better and able to cope better for the rest of the day. I am going to continue to use sensory deprivation regularly to help me cope with life stresses and wind down.