On-line socialising

I have been musing about online socialising for quite awhile now. Mainstream society would have me not socialise online, they would have me out socialising in real life and getting worn out. I enjoy socialising in person with others but in small manageable doses. I need to manage my spoons/energy and keep my life in balance. I can only manage so much real-life socialising before I lose my balance in life.

Online socialising and women's Autism groups have really, really helped me grow as a person. I have learnt so much about myself and it has been a relief to know I am not the only one with similar struggles. Socialising in these groups has helped me to become more open-minded, understanding and empathetic of others' journeys. It has helped me to accept and embrace the diversity of the world, because even within the Autism community there is diversity because we ALL come from different backgrounds and upbringings. It is our unique neurology which binds us together, we are diverse in all other ways.

Prior to getting involved in autistic groups I was quite close-minded, rigid and immature. I was judgemental of others and why they did the things they did. I did not know how to treat others who were different to me. I have since learnt a lot about myself, others and how to treat others since socialising online. I now make an effort to try and understand why others do what they do and their journey of what led them to this point. I try so hard to be empathetic and understanding of others now and not judge. I still do judge, I am still close-minded at times, I still stereotype but I am far more aware of it in myself than I ever was. I question myself and learn from my mistakes. It was the online social interaction in ASD women's groups which really helped me to learn this. I learnt what to say or write by reading what others wrote in response to others experiencing tough times. I learnt other socially appropriate things to say and write too. Socialising online is a way of me scripting social situations so I am able to learn how to interact with others. I learnt how to treat people with respect and be caring, empathetic way. At the same time I was forming amazing friendships with other Autistic women.

I would never have been able to cope with meeting so many people from all over the world in real life. I would have been too overwhelmed, anxious and overstimulated. I would not have been able to hold a conversation. Online socialising is the way to go for me.

I remember when I first joined up to an Autistic women's group. I remember the hesitancy I felt about joining. I was so focused on the stigma, the stereotype about Autism that I was afraid of the journey. I remember spending months being unsure I was even Autistic. It was a difficult time but once I accepted my neurology I felt so much peace within. I got more involved in groups. It was amazing to realise there so many other women experienced similar struggles, joys, and understanding of the world.

I have so much more self-awareness now as a result and which will continue to grow.


I thank all the amazing people who I have socialised with online over the past few years. You have taught me so much more than I would ever learn socialising in person.


I thank them for their friendship, understanding and acceptance of my own journey

E - “I also feel that facebook has helped me to become less judgmental by exposing me to many different kinds of people from all over the world. It has also given me the opportunity to learn and practice social skills that I've never had the chance to practice in 'real life'. Some of those skills are now transferring into 'real life'. Being a co-admin of a small group has been the kind of experience I would never have had in real life.”


When I went to a self-care workshop recently. They were talking about how unhealthy it is to isolate yourself (I agree, to a point) and be stuck in a rut for ages. They were talking about how important it is to get out and socialise. It is important but I am not going to have energy (spoons) to socialise when I am depressed or really anxious. I have just come out of a major depressive episode and I could not easily connect with others, no matter how much I tried. Even online socialising was difficult for me. It was too hard to think of what to write or share in groups. I withdrew to heal. I would not have coped with forcing myself to socialise when I could barely get words out in written communication. I am tired of people telling me socialising online is bad. It is not. It has been the best thing for me and for many others I know online.


The self-care workshop was really good, helpful and informative but very NT and not very Autism friendly. There was a big emphasis on socialising and connecting with others to stop oneself from sinking into depression. When I get depressed I regress and can barely verbalise myself. Socialising is the last thing I want to do. I take other solo self-care steps to improve my mental health, such as exercise, reading, watching funny movies and spending time with my family.

I have experienced a few negative interactions online since I have gotten involved in the Autistic community, which is unfortunate but bound to happen. They were quite traumatic for me. I would perseverate on why it happened, what went wrong and how I could fix it. I was so hurt and confused. I spent hours crying over these bad experiences. The pain was intense. I did not get involved, I withdrew to protect myself. I ultimately wish everyone could get along but I have come to realise this will never happen. I will clash with some people, some won’t like me, this is just how it is. The negative experiences I've had have helped me to grow and become stronger in myself. It's helped me to understand boundaries and not be afraid to set them. It's helped me to stop worrying about offending others and doing what is best for me and my emotional health.


Online socialising has helped me to learn to take a step back from a situation and not take it personally. I try to evaluate what the other person might be going through, where they are coming from and try to have empathy for where they are coming from. By doing this I endeavour not to judge the person and their journey. If I am emotionally too close to the situation it is more difficult for me to take a step back and evaluate it rationally.

I don't usually take other peoples' behaviour personally either. I see it as a reflection on them and where they are at in their journey of life.

I remember writing an essay for University about on-line gaming and education. It was quite fascinating.

It completely changed my opinion about computer games. I believe this helped pave the way for my openness about on-line socialising. When I interact with others in person I try to use my social skills I have learnt through on-line socialising.

I have noticed there appears to be a stigma attached to on-line socialising. When I have told people about my experiences online (good and bad), they are quick to judge and tell me it’s not real, not to get so involved, to focus on reality. What they don’t realise is for the first time in my life, I feel I belong. I have found my people, my culture. While we may not all get on, there is still an overwhelming sense of belonging and acceptance.

These people do not realise for the for the first time I am able to learn social scripts in real time and at a pace which suits me.

As my one of my on-line friends M puts it so eloquently, ‘I like the solitude of body and communication of mind, so mostly social media is easy to use. If I need to, I can take a break and that’s okay.’

When I talk to others about my experiences on-line, I am often silenced, undermined and told it’s not real life. I have found this incredibly hurtful and insulting. I feel I am part of a different culture more so than ever when this happens. I try not to let it bother me anymore. I have found my version of normal and what works for me. It can be exhausting finding my own path, but it is very rewarding.

Quote from my essay (which I wrote for Uni in 2009).

A study was done on the game World of Warcraft, a massively multiplayer online role-

playing game (MMORPG), and the online community that supported and educated players in the playing of the game. The study showed that there are advantages to playing computer games, particularly online games where players from all over the world connect to play. Players form guilds with which they socialise, play, learn and support each other. The study found that the way players learned how to navigate the game could be used to improve student learning in the classroom (Nardie, Ly & Harris, 2007). In World of Warcraft players create a character with which to play, through this character players then “explore, fight, socialise, make money, take up professions, and advance through 60 levels of play. Playing the game is complicated, players need to develop strategy, find out numerous game facts and develop their character
through various ways. “Despite this, the manual that comes with the game is a slim 4x5 inch volume. No teacher, coaches or curriculum explain the game. None of the familiar supports of formal education are in evidence – but no one fails World of Warcraft” (Nardi, Ly & Harris, 2007).

Overall the advantages of computer games is they provide an alternate way of educating students, rather than using traditional methods. Games also can provide ideas for new ways of teaching. Some of the tag lines that games use are; “Create your own heroes, Engage… Challenging… Perform… lead… Don’t work alone” (Prensky, 2005). The games deliver these promises to players. This is not exactly a description of today’s classrooms.

Prensky believes what is lacking in education today is engagement in learning; computer games offer this. Students still have to go to school whether or not it is engaging and that is enraging them to push their teachers to do better by them (Prensky, 2005). “…Game cultures promote various types of information literacy, develop information seeking habits and production practices (like writing), and require good old fashioned research skills,” (Squire, 2005).

Whilst the quotes focus on on-line gaming in education. These quotes echo a similar dynamic which is portrayed through my experiences with on-line socialising.

References:


Prensky, M. (2002). The Motivation of Gameplay. On the Horizion, 10(1),


Nardi, B., Ly, S., & Harris, J. (2007). Learning conversations in World of Warcraft. University of California, Irvine: Author.

Squire, K & Steinkuehler, C. (2005). Meet the Gamers. Library Journal, 130, (7), 38-41.

I'm back from my hiatus.

Potential trigger warning for abuse and religion.

It has been 6 months since I last wrote in my blog. I have been going through a really difficult time the past 6 months. Lots of triggery crappy stuff happened. I had yet another professional treat me badly and try to bully me. It was a horrible and terrifying experience! My mental health issues got a lot worse and I had to go back on medication. I withdrew into my little cocoon and let go of a lot of things, including writing.  I was also falling into the comparison trap again, thinking I am not good enough because I am not doing all the things, then I started beating myself up about it and getting upset because I am not successful and able to live my dreams. It was upsetting and soul-destroying.  Everything got too much for me. So it was back to bare minimum mode in order to cope and survive. I did a lot of thinking, reading and learning in this time and I feel ready to do some writing again. 

Lots of past traumas came up in my hiatus from writing and I started to accept and realise that I have C-PTSD and need to do something about it to help myself. I am now in the process of being assessed for PTSD. It has been incredibly triggering for me to find the strength and courage to seek out yet another professional due to the horrific traumatic experiences I have been the victim of in the past due to abusive professionals. The abuse from a number of professionals has compounded my C-PTSD from my childhood and made it worse. It has taken me till a couple of months ago to come to terms with the C-PTSD, on some level I knew I have PTSD and have been doing reading about it for a couple of years, but it was only until a couple of months ago when everything was getting worse for me and so many things were triggering me that I started to really look into PTSD and start to process what PTSD meant for me. It was overwhelming as a lot of stuff came up as I started to really explore what PTSD meant for me. I chatted to a couple of friends about it online and discussed it in one of the fantastic autistic women's group I am. Talking about it with others really helped me start to accept and validate myself in terms of PTSD. I began to realise my struggles were much more than being Autistic. I worked up the courage to go and see a clinical psychologist who assesses for PTSD, it was triggering and difficult to do, but I did it. I am really glad I went to see this psychologist as they are really different to any other psychologist I have been to. They are very respectful, meet me where I am at and works with me. They appear to have no agenda either. It is a relief after all the crap I have been through with previous crappy and abusive professionals. I just had my second session with them and am due for another in 2 weeks time.

For so long I have beat myself up over a lot of traumatic stuff that has happened to me and blamed myself for it. In fact I recently realised that really struggle not to blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life or interactions with others. I realised I have been blamed a lot in my life when I was growing up, everything that went wrong in my family or with my siblings was pretty much seen as my fault, by my parents or siblings. I was the scape goat. My Mum recently told me about my Dad picking on me when I was growing up, he was much harder on me than my two younger siblings. I don't remember this, but it obviously affected me a lot. I am now dealing with the after-effects of past abuse and constant blame from others. My default reaction is to blame myself for everything when it goes wrong. I am working on trying not to blame myself so much and let go of things which are not my issue, but it is a real challenge for me. The blame on myself has led to me internalising a lot of crap from others which I didn't need to take on. I can see this has added to my anxiety in a severe debilitating way. I really struggle with interactions with other people now because I tend to pick up on the slightest vibe that something might be wrong and start trying to figure out what I have done wrong. I used to try and fix it but it often made things worse. I ended up being a doormat putting up with whatever abuse came my way from others and had no way of being able to say no or stop. It was terrifying because I felt trapped in those situations. Being raised a Christian I took the Bible verses about turning the other cheek, the Golden rule and heaping coals of fire on one's enemies head very literally. I thought I had to be super nice, caring, kind and mean people would leave me alone or it would somehow turn them nice towards me. What a load of utter crap! It never did, instead it left me an easy target open to any type of abuse, which was horrible and confusing because I kept trying to practice these verses with no success. It is now really hard for me to know when I have really done something wrong or if I am taking on someone else's issues which are not mine and making it into my issue, then trying to fix the problem in the relationship or friendship. This led to me struggling with boundaries. I never knew I could say no to things, I thought I had to accept everything others said or did without question and just go along with it because I never knew I had any say. It was only recently I learnt that I was able to say no and not feel bad about or blaming myself for saying no. I am improving with boundaries, in particular on-line. 

I have recently unfriended a few people from my past for being rude and disrespecting of my boundaries. It was very difficult for me to do and the experiences were very triggering, but I did it and I feel so much better and safer on my profile. I am really proud of myself for setting boundaries and sticking to them. I realised that being able to set boundaries and practice being assertive on-line in written form is a lot easier for me to begin with as it is easier for me to process what is happening in real time. I struggle to process verbal input which means it takes me longer to process it and figure out what is really being said. I can so easily be taken advantage of in real life verbal social interactions. When I am on-line I have the safety of being in my own home and can so easily walk away from my computer or phone and do something else, leaving the difficult triggering situation to fester away on it's own allowing me the time I need to process how I feel about it, figure out what my boundaries are and what I need to write in response. I do not get this option when I am interacting with people face to face verbally. The pressure to respond and keep the flow of conversation going becomes too much in those situations and I am unable to allow myself the time I need to process and respond as I need to. I can so easily end up trapped in a situation I do not want to be in, unable to get the words out that I need to in order to put up boundaries and get away. Those situations are terrifying for me. I am hugely grateful for on-line socialising as it helps me learn about boundaries and practice being assertive in a way and at a pace which suits me. 

[Image is on a dark purple background with a rainbow winged cicada in the right hand corner with the words 'Resplendently Autistic' underneath it.

It has the text 'I have realised I need to be harsh about what I tolerate in my life and remove myself from toxic, triggering people/situations because the detriment to my mental health is not worth it. The old me would have felt tremendous guilt about doing this, worrying about hurting the other person's feelings, but now I feel relief because I have the power to walk away and liberate myself from toxicity and triggering situations. It is a relief!

~ Kezza.' on it.

From the page: https://www.facebook.com/resplendentlyautistic ]

I have realised I need to be harsh about what I tolerate in my life and remove myself from toxic, triggering people/situations because the detriment to my mental health is not worth it. The old me would have felt tremendous guilt about doing this, worrying about hurting the other person's feelings, but now I feel relief because I have the power to walk away and liberate myself from toxicity and triggering situations. It is a relief! I no longer take on other people's crap and try to fix it, in the first moment I do because it is my default reaction, but when I think about it and analyse what I think/feel about it, I get angry or  feel hurt by yet another abusive triggering situation and need to keep myself safe by putting up boundaries. It is in that moment that I know I can walk away.